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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
 The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 314 November 12, 2007 Worst President Ever Edition Democratic Underground Needs Your Help! Please Donate! This week is our fourth quarter 2007 fund drive. Our goal is to bring in 1000 individual donations before midnight on Sunday, November 18. There is no minimum (or maximum) donation. Whether you can spare $5 or $500, your contribution will bring us one step closer to our goal. So please take a moment to donate right now! This week George W. Bush (1,2) plummets to new lows, Rudy Giuliani (3,4) finds out who his friends are, and Joe Lieberman (6) declares mission accomplished. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!  George W. Bush  The results are in - and George W. Bush is officially the worst president ever! According to a new poll by Gallup, Our Great Leader has finally succeeded Richard Nixon as Most Unpopular President Of All Time. The latest USA TODAY/Gallup survey finds Bush with a 31% approval rating -- and for the first time ever in the polling history, 50% say they "strongly disapprove" of a president. The previous high (or low?) was a 48% strong disapproval rating for Nixon at the worst moments of Watergate in 1974. I can't understand why - I mean, think of all the great things Bush has achieved since coming to power in 2001. There was, er... And then there was, um... Or what about, uh... Okay, sure, I can't actually think of any achievements. But terrorists did destroy the World Trade Center on his watch, he started a $2 trillion war against a country that was no threat to us and destabilized the entire Middle East in the process, he gave the richest 1% of Americans massive tax breaks while sticking the rest of us with the bill, he illegally wiretapped American citizens, he decided that it's okay to torture people, and he ate birthday cake while the people of New Orleans drowned. And the funny thing is, that's just the tip of the iceberg! So we wish George the best of luck in his race to the bottom - in terms of unpopularity he's now closing in on New Coke, colonoscopies, and gonorrhea. You can do it, Mr. President.  George W. Bush   But never let it be said that Our Great Leader rests on his laurels in his grand quest to be the Worst President Ever. For example, last week his press secretary Dana Perino had stern words for Pakistan's president Pervez Musharraf: Q: Is it ever reasonable to restrict constitutional freedoms in the name of fighting terrorism? MS. PERINO: In our opinion, no. Come on Dana, we all know you don't really mean that! Think Progress has a handy list of just a few of the ways the Bush administration has "overstepped its constitutional powers in the name of national security." Meanwhile, Dubya was out and about at the Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio, Texas last week, which was very nice of him. The White House website has the story, where, right next to this picture:  ...we find this text: BUSH: If anybody were to come to this center, they would have to leave inspired and thankful, inspired by the servicemen and women who are recovering from wounds with such courage; thankful that there are instructors and preachers and volunteers who are helping these people get back on their feet. Come on George, at least try to think before opening your mouth.  Rudy Giuliani    There was great news for Rudy Giuliani last week as he picked up the coveted Pat Robertson endorsement, virtually guaranteeing the batshit crazy vote. It's a bit strange that the Rev. Pat - who once famously blamed the gays and abortionists for 9/11 - would endorse a pro-choice, pro-gay, cross-dressing candidate for president. But lets face it, Rudy and Pat know a business opportunity when they see one, and there's gold in them thar "values voters." So, courtesy of About.com, let's take a look at some of Pat's greatest hits: "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing." "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you." "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period." "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up." Gee, no wonder Giuliani is delighted. Woohoo, I've been endorsed by a total psychopath!  Rudy Giuliani   But sadly for Rudy, the great news didn't last long. His best buddy and former police chief Bernie Kerik was indicted last week - and how. According to CNN: A federal grand jury has indicted former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik on charges of conspiracy, tax fraud and making false statements, U.S. prosecutors announced Friday. (snip) If convicted on all 16 counts in the indictment, Kerik could face a maximum sentence of 142 years in prison and $4.7 million in fines, prosecutors said. Oh dear. Meanwhile... At a news conference Friday, the FBI accused former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik of "selling his office" and "breaking the very laws he had sworn to uphold." "It's a sad day when this office returns an indictment against a former law enforcement officer," U.S. Attorney Michael J. Garcia said in front of a packed news conference. But it's okay, because according to the Associated Press last week: Rudy Giuliani said Monday that if his achievements as president are as good as the crime-reduction results of his New York police commissioner, a man now under criminal investigation himself, "this country will be in great shape." See? Don't knock Rudy just because his best friend - the guy he recommended for Secretary of Homeland Security - could face up to 142 years in prison for various felonies. Yes, Rudy might hire criminals who abuse the power of their office for their own personal gain, but you can rest assured that those criminals will do a great job. I think I can feel a new campaign slogan coming on...   The Bush Administration   Gosh, this "is waterboarding torture?" argument is confusing, isn't it? In order to find out whether waterboarding is torture or not, I went over to howstuffworks.com where they describe the procedure like this: Water boarding has been around for centuries. It was a common interrogation technique during the Italian Inquisition of the 1500s and was used perhaps most famously in Cambodian prisons during the reign of the Khmer Rouge regime during the 1970s. (snip) In a nutshell, water boarding makes a person feel like he is drowning. Water boarding as it is currently described involves strapping a person to an inclined board, with his feet raised and his head lowered. The interrogators bind the person's arms and legs so he can't move at all, and they cover his face. In some descriptions, the person is gagged, and some sort of cloth covers his nose and mouth; in others, his face is wrapped in cellophane. The interrogator then repeatedly pours water onto the person's face. Depending on the exact setup, the water may or may not actually get into the person's mouth and nose; but the physical experience of being underneath a wave of water seems to be secondary to the psychological experience. The person's mind believes he is drowning, and his gag reflex kicks in as if he were choking on all that water falling on his face. Well that certainly sounds like torture. Fortunately, back in 2004 Daniel Levin - who was then acting assistant attorney general - decided to visit a military base near Washington DC and undergo the procedure himself, so he could find out for sure. The verdict? According to ABC News: After the experience, Levin told White House officials that even though he knew he wouldn't die, he found the experience terrifying and thought that it clearly simulated drowning. Levin, who refused to comment for this story, concluded waterboarding could be illegal torture unless performed in a highly limited way and with close supervision. And, sources told ABC News, he believed the Bush Administration had failed to offer clear guidelines for its use. So what happened to Levin? I'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that... Levin never finished a second memo imposing tighter controls on the specific interrogation techniques. Sources said he was forced out of the Justice Department when (Alberto) Gonzales became attorney general. Go figure.  Joe Lieberman  Fret not - the war is won! Or, if you prefer, "mission accomplished." "I'm proud to say that the tide has turned in Iraq and we're winning that war. And if we don't let down our troops, they're going to bring home a victory that will protect us here at home from today's threat - totalitarian terrorist Islamism that's trying to take our liberty from us." -- Joe Lieberman, last week The tide has turned, eh? Now where have I heard that kind of rhetoric before? "The President has said that the tide has turned, and he expresses confidence that we will achieve victory. And of course the President believes that. That's the whole purpose of our efforts." -- Ari Fleischer, 2003 "We're handing over authority to a sovereign Iraqi government; we're encouraging more international support for the Iraqi transition; we're helping the Iraqis take responsibility for their own security; we're continuing to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure; and we are moving toward free elections. A turning point will come in less than two weeks." - George W. Bush, 2004 "When it comes to fighting the threats of our world, when it comes to making America safer, when it comes to spreading the peace, we're turning a corner, and we're not turning back." -- George W. Bush, 2004 "A new Iraqi government represents a strategic opportunity for America - and the whole world, for that matter. ... This is a - we believe this is a turning point for the Iraqi citizens, and it's a new chapter in our partnership." -- George W. Bush, 2006 "I think - tide turning - see, as I remember - I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of - it's easy to see a tide turn - did I say those words?" -- George W. Bush, 2006 In other news... The Pentagon today reported five US troops and a sailor killed in Iraq on Monday, making this year the deadliest since the 2003 invasion. -- The Guardian, last week  Idiot Conservative Authors How amusing - five conservative authors, including famous Swiftboater Jerome Corsi, have filed suit against the conservative publishing company Regnery. According to the New York Times: Five authors have sued the parent company of Regnery Publishing, a Washington imprint of conservative books, charging that the company deprives its writers of royalties by selling their books at a steep discount to book clubs and other organizations owned by the same parent company. (snip) Traditionally, authors receive a 15 percent royalty based on the cover price of a hardcover title after they have sold enough copies to cover the cost of the advance they receive upon signing a contract with a publisher. (Authors whose books are sold at steep discounts or to companies that handle remaindered copies receive lower royalties.) In Regnery's case, according to the lawsuit, the publisher sells books to sister companies, including the Conservative Book Club, which then sells the books to members at discounted prices, "at, below or only marginally above its own cost of publication." In the lawsuit the authors say they receive "little or no royalty" on these sales because their contracts specify that the publisher pays only 10 percent of the amount received by the publisher, minus costs - as opposed to 15 percent of the cover price - for the book. Mr. Miniter said that meant that although he received about $4.25 a copy when his books sold in a bookstore or through an online retailer, he only earned about 10 cents a copy when his books sold through the Conservative Book Club or other Eagle-owned channels. To be honest I'm not really sure what Richard Miniter is complaining about. Who else is going to publish this crap?  And look, Miniter's book is a New York Times bestseller! Now, do you think that's because people paid $28 for it in a bookstore, or because they got it in bulk for 50 cents from the Conservative Book Club? Gee, I wonder. These conservative authors need to face up to the fact that they're getting paid exactly what their books are worth: fuck all. Or don't they believe in unrestrained, unregulated free market capitalism any more? Surely this big corporation should be allowed to do whatever it can to maximize profits, right? Funny how these chumps are all for dismantling worker protections... until they're the ones who need protecting.  Climate Skeptics  Last week the Journal of Geoclimatic Studies released a new report "pointing to ocean bacteria as the overwhelming cause of global warming," according to Reuters. Chaos ensued: Skeptics jumped on the report. A British scientist e-mailed the report to 2,000 colleagues ... Another from the U.S. called it a "blockbuster." Blogger skeptic Neil Craig wrote: "This could not be more damaging to manmade global warming theory ... I somehow doubt if this is going to be on the BBC news." Even Rush Limbaugh trumpeted the story on his radio show. But there was just one problem: the whole thing was a hoax. There is no "Journal of Geoclimatic Studies," and the authors of the study don't exist. The whole thing was a big trick to expose climate skeptics as the non-scientific propaganda-pushers they really are. In an interview, the apparent author of the spoof study wrote: Its purpose was to expose the credulity and scientific illiteracy of many of the people who call themselves climate sceptics. While dismissive of the work of the great majority of climate scientists, they will believe almost anything if it lends support to their position. Apparently so. Well done, sir.  Bob Allen   Let's check in briefly on Florida state representative and former McCain campaign co-chair Bob Allen (R-Obviously), who was arrested earlier this year for "offering to perform oral sex on an undercover officer." (See Idiots 299.) Uh-oh... looks like bad news. According to Orlando's Local 6 News: A jury on Friday convicted state Rep. Bob Allen of soliciting prostitution from an undercover male officer in July. (snip) Allen faces up to 60 days in county jail and a $500 fine for the second-degree misdemeanor. The Merritt Island Republican was accused of peering over a stall in a men's public park restroom, then agreeing to pay $20 to perform oral sex on Titusville police Officer Danny Kavanaugh. But it's okay, because despite all appearances to the contrary, Rep. Allen is in fact not guilty. "I am innocent and I've done nothing wrong," Allen said following the reading of the verdict. "My family, my God and my good constituents know that and we are not going to stop until we get that justice." Presumably that means he's going to appeal. And presumably if his appeal is successful, Bob Allen is going to waste no time tracking down the person who really offered that cop a $20 blowjob.  The RNC And finally, the Republican governor of Kentucky, Ernie Fletcher, pulled out all the stops last week in his effort to get re-elected (thanks to DUer nonconformist for the list): Republican Gov. Ernie Fletcher ordered the Ten Commandments displayed in the state Capitol on Monday, hitting on one of his re-election campaign themes the day before Kentucky's general election. -- Associated Press "Hello friends, this is Pat Boone, a fellow Kentuckian ... as an American and as a Christian I'm very concerned about the upcoming governor's election ... of course (Ernie Fletcher) has come under attack by political opponents and now he faces a man who wants his job, who's consistently supported every homosexual cause - same-sex marriage, gay adoption, special rights to gay lesbian bisexuals (sic), even transgendered individuals. ... Now, do you want a governor who'd like Kentucky to be another San Francisco? Please re-elect Ernie Fletcher, this message paid for by the Republican Party of Kentucky." -- Robocall by Pat Boone on behalf of Ernie Fletcher Some automated campaign phone calls have been going out to Kentucky households but nobody is owning up to them. The calls in question that went out yesterday claim to be an endorsement of Democratic candidate Steve Beshear by the "homosexual lobby." -- Associated Press There have been few early problems reported on this election day in Kentucky. A spokesman for the Secretary of State's office says one unusual incident was reported by several callers. Spokesman Les Fugate says people complained Oak Grove Mayor Dan Potter put up yellow police tape around City Hall, blocking access to rest rooms, telephones and much of the building, except for the polling location. Fugate says the office has never heard of such an incident before and asks who would want to vote at something that looks like a crime scene. He says it could be considered a form of voter intimidation. -- Associated Press It's a shame for Fletcher that the Rovian playbook doesn't seem to be working too well any more - he was absolutely demolished by Democrat Steve Beshear, 59 percent to 41 percent. Kaboom! You may be surprised to learn, however, that the Republican National Committee had a rather different take on this grand thumping. Here's the statement from RNC chairman Mike Duncan: Democrats targeted Ernie Fletcher from day one, but even with the unique circumstances of the governor's race, they could not stand in the way of the Republican Party's fundamental strength in the state. Voters in Kentucky will continue to support lower taxes, limited government, strong national defense, and individual responsibility. Our success today, including the re-election of Secretary of State Trey Grayson and Agriculture Commissioner Richie Farmer, made it very clear that the Commonwealth is and will remain a Republican state. Er, okay - whatever you say. Congratulations on this smashing Republican "success" - and here's to many more in 2008. See you next week! -- EarlG |
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