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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
 The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 316 December 3, 2007 America's Playa Edition This week Rudy Giuliani (1) realizes that he probably should never have run for president in the first place, Mike Hucakbee (2,3) enjoys God's support, Dennis Hastert and Trent Lott (9) call it quits, and the Republican Presidential Candidates (10) have a great debate. Don't forget the key!  Rudy Giuliani    If you were wondering what that giant flushing sound was, don't panic - it was just Rudy Giuliani's campaign going down the toilet. Last week news broke that during his tenure as mayor of New York City, Giuliani "billed obscure city agencies for tens of thousands of dollars in security expenses amassed during the time when he was beginning an extramarital relationship with future wife Judith Nathan in the Hamptons," according to Politico.com. The expenses first surfaced as Giuliani's two terms as mayor of New York drew to a close in 2001, when a city auditor stumbled across something unusual: $34,000 worth of travel expenses buried in the accounts of the New York City Loft Board. When the city's fiscal monitor asked for an explanation, Giuliani's aides refused, citing "security," said Jeff Simmons, a spokesman for the city comptroller. But American Express bills and travel documents obtained by Politico suggest another reason City Hall may have considered the documents sensitive: They detail three summers of visits to Southampton, the Long Island town where Nathan had an apartment. Auditors "were unable to verify that these expenses were for legitimate or necessary purposes," City Comptroller William Thompson wrote of the expenses from fiscal year 2000, which covers parts of 1999 and 2000. The Giuliani camp's first response was to deny, deny, deny. Rudy himself called the story "totally false" and "a political hit job." When that didn't work, they tried to pretend that the budget fudging was normal behavior - a claim which was instantly shot down by former NYC mayors Ed Koch and David Dinkins (not to mention current city officials). And it turns out that there was more - much more - to this story. According to Editor & Publisher, Rudy's secret "Shag Fund" paid for: * ...hotel and other expenses for mayoral aides -- in addition to the security detail -- who also went with the mayor to the Hamptons on the tryst weekends. * Nathan's NYPD-chauffeured trips (without Rudy) to visit her parents in Pennsylvania, 130 miles outside the city. * NYPD detectives and city-owned undercover Dodge to drive Nathan around the city. * NYPD detectives and city-owned undercover Dodge to drive Nathan's friends and family around the city even when she wasn't in the car. * NYPD security detail for Nathan, personally approved by Bernard Kerik. * NYPD cops to walk Nathan's dog. And if all of that wasn't enough, according to a report in the Village Voice last week, Rudy Giuliani has business contacts which "tie him to the man who let 9/11's mastermind escape the FBI." I guess Pat Robertson must have misheard when God told him to endorse Rudy.  Mike Huckabee  The Shag Fund Scandal, along with Mitt Romney's ever-increasing flip-floppery, means that this guy could soon be the GOP nominee:  Yes, that really is the new Republican front-runner playing bass at Free Republic's 2001 Inaugural Bender. A real live Freeper for president. How cool is that? Hey, I just had a great idea! If Mike Huckabee...  ...joined up with George W. Bush...  ...and Tony Snow...  ...and Trent Lott and Larry Craig...  ...they could all fuck off into the dustbin of history together.  Mike Huckabee  Mike Huckabee may not have Pat Robertson on his side, but that doesn't mean God's not paying attention. In fact, as Mark Karlin of Buzzflash noted last week: We received a memo from Liberty "Falwell" University on November 30th, signed by Jonathan Falwell, son of the recently deceased Jerry -- and now overseer of the vast Liberty University/Moral Majority corporate empire. According to Jonathan Falwell, presidential aspirant Mike Huckabee believes that it is God, not himself, who is behind his rise in the polls: "Mr. Huckabee also said that Divine providence was responsible for his recent surge in the polls in Iowa, as he noted that he is the candidate with much less capital firepower than his rivals." Hmm... Pat Robertson's telephone line to the Almighty must really be on the fritz because there are some seriously mixed liturgical messages going on here. I hope these Republican candidates can sort out which one of them God is voting for before the Iowa Caucus.  Pat Robertson The Rev. Pat may not be quite sure of who he stands for, but he sure as heck knows who he stands against. I'm looking at you, yoga enthusiasts. Wednesday's "700 Club" featured a question about the Christian view of yoga. A concerned viewer asked, "Does it really have its origins in evil?" Pat Robertson gave the verdict: Yes! According to Pat, stretching is fine, but by repeating common yoga mantras, you are actually praying to Hindu gods Vishnu and Krishna and you're not even aware of it! But don't worry, exercise buffs. While yoga may be a theological waterslide that flows directly into the flaming pits of Hell, the ability to leg press 2,000 pounds is not merely a gift from God but also the inevitable consequence of Pat Robertson's age-defying protein shake. Get yours today!   Karl Rove  Karl Rove is well known for attempting to create his own reality, but this talent appears to have waned considerably since he left the White House. In fact, these days he just comes across as desperate. Last week Rove appeared on the Charlie Rose show and said - get this - that it was the Democrats who rushed America into a war with Iraq, and in fact "'The administration was opposed' to voting for a war resolution in the fall of 2002," according to Think Progress. Really? As ThinkProgress documented, key leaders in both the House and the Senate - including then-Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD) - were asking Bush in 2002 to delay the Iraq war vote. But as Daschle recalled, when he asked Bush to delay the vote, Bush "looked at Cheney and he looked at me, and there was a half-smile on his face. And he said: 'We just have to do this now.'" Rove's remarks were so ridiculous that even former White House chief of staff Andrew Card could do nothing but discredit them: JOE SCARBOROUGH: We have to start with something that we all are talking about a couple of days ago where Karl Rove went on Charlie Rose and he blamed the Democrats for pushing him and the president into war. Is that how it worked? ANDREW CARD: No, that's not the way it worked. (snip) SCARBOROUGH: Is that just Karl spinning beyond the White House? ... CARD: Well, Karl is very smart. He's - sometimes his brain gets ahead of his mouth. And sometimes his mouth gets ahead of his brain. But most of the time his ass does the talking.  Scott J. Bloch Meanwhile, it turns out that Scott J. Bloch, the special counsel who according to the Register is "investigating whether Rove and other White House officials improperly used government agencies to help re-elect Republicans running from Congressional seats," is using a rather curious approach. It was revealed last week that Bloch "hired a private computer-help company to erase all the hard drives belonging to him and two deputies." The firm then performed a "seven-level wipe, all but guaranteeing the files could never be restored." But don't worry, there's nothing to see here. It turns out that Bloch was merely trying to get rid of a nasty virus. Even though, er, "a manager with the private firm said a wipe that thorough is an unusual way to treat a malware infection" and "The receipt for the work performed makes no mention of a virus." To be honest I'm surprised he didn't use the traditional method of getting rid of a virus, which is to take your computer outside and smash it with a hammer before feeding it into a woodchipper and then throwing the remains into a furnace. But I guess that might have looked a bit fishy.  The Department of Homeland Security  A few weeks ago I noted that FEMA had been caught holding a phony press conference complete with fake reporters (see Idiots 312). Guess what? Turns out this isn't uncommon. Last week it was reported that "A Homeland Security public affairs official acted like a reporter asking questions during a briefing in San Antonio in January 2006," according to Editor & Publisher. A Homeland Security Department investigation found that an official with Immigration and Customs Enforcement asked a question during that news conference. ... The ICE official was standing with about 12 reporters but didn't identify herself when she posed the question, Homeland says the employee was verbally reprimanded for asking the question after the news conference. I guess I'd be shocked about this bogus press conference if it weren't already obvious that George W. Bush is presiding over a bogus administration.  The Bush Administraton  Speaking of which, check out this disgusting story from last week. It turns out that the Pentagon is demanding that soldiers who were seriously wounded in Afghanistan or Iraq must pay back a portion of their enlistment bonus. That's right - the soldiers that have given the most and need their bonuses the most are being told by the Bush adminstration that they owe the government money. Sen. Chuck Schumer investigated: "This policy and early discharge as a result of service-related injury is now preventing thousands of combat-wounded warriors from getting the bonuses they have earned," Schumer said. "This includes several hundred New Yorkers who suffered wounds or catastrophic injuries before concluding their duty." He said that when the case of Jordan Fox, an Army sniper partially blinded by a roadside bomb in Iraq, was called to the Pentagon's attention, officials replied that the demand for him to repay $2,800 was a "clerical error" and canceled the debt. If the Mount Lebanon, Pa., soldier's case was an isolated incident, there has been no explanation of why hundreds of other wounded veterans have also received letters demanding repayment, Schumer said. "When you talk to the Pentagon, you get different answers from different people," he said. The numbers of veterans affected by the policy are not known. Schumer said his office had received several complaints, as had the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America. "Asking wounded service members to repay part of their enlistment bonuses is an outrage," IAVA Executive Director Paul Rieckhoff said in an e-mailed statement. No kidding. I guess the Bush administration has finally given up any pretense of "supporting the troops."  Dennis Hastert and Trent Lott  Buh-bye! Both Rep. Dennis Hastert and Sen. Trent Lott announced their resignations last week, and not a moment too soon. Hastert is apparently leaving to spend more time with his girth, while the ertswhile Lott wants to get his hands on fat piles of K Street cash before a new law prevents him from doing so. Funnily enough, Lott leaves the GOP in a bit of a predicament - you see, the new law which come into effect next year mean that senators must wait two years before becoming lobbyists, so in order to cash in Lott needs to resign his seat before the end of this year. However, if Lott does resign this year, Mississippi may have to quickly hold a special election to fill his seat - and that means the RNC will have to spend more of their rapidly-dwindling supply of money. The RNC is so broke right now that they're actively trying to recruit millionaires to run for Congress. So thanks, Dennis Hastert and Trent Lott - and all the other Republicans who are resigning this year - for making 2008's Congressional races that much more difficult for an already-screwed Republican party. Good job!  The Republican Presidential Candidates  And finally, after trembling in fear for months (see Idiots 301), the GOP candidates finally decided to face off at the CNN/YouTube debate last week - and what a debate it was! Boy, America sure has a lot to look forward to if one of these guys becomes president. Now, I'm sure many of you decided that you had something better to do than tune in, like taking out the trash or picking lint out of your bellybutton, but if that's the case you missed a treat. So for those of you who skipped it, I'm proud to present...                      See you next week! -- EarlG |
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