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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
Posted by top10 in Editorials & Other Articles
Mon Jan 28th 2008, 12:53 AM

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 322

January 28, 2008
Fred End Edition

This week Fred Thompson (1) drops out, Rudy Giuliani (2,3,4) drops the ball, and Mitt Romney (5) drops a beat. Elsewhere, Chuck Norris (9) and Sylvester Stallone (10) duke it out. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Fred Thompson loser

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy:

he hath borne me on his back a thousand times;
and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is!

my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I
have kissed I know not how oft.

Where be your gibes now? your gambols?
your songs? your flashes of merriment,
that were wont to set the table on a roar?

Not one now, to mock your own grinning?

R.I.P Fred Thompson's campaign, 2007-2008. We hardly knew ye. And on a personal note Fred, congratulations on running the worst campaign ever.

Enjoy it while it lasts though - I have a feeling you won't hold the record for long...

Rudy Giuliani crybaby

Rudy Giuliani may be on a mission to become the most irrelevant politician of all time, but at least he's having some fun. Last week he was down at the Daytona International Speedway hoping to catch some of that NASCAR mojo. Unfortunately things didn't quite go as planned...

It all started with an impromptu campaign stop at the famous track. The former Mayor sat in the front passenger seat as his campaign bus took a lap around the empty track at high speed. Music from the movie "Rudy" blared from speakers.

But when it was all over, Giuliani, who is staking his campaign on Florida, was riding high and wanted more.

"Can I drive a pace car?" Giuliani asked a race track official.

"Sorry sir," he said, "we gotta get you to the Town Hall, we got people waiting."

"I wanna ride the pace car!" Giuliani said, looking disappointed, his voice rising angrily.

"Next time, next time," the official said.

Uh oh! I hope these guys know who they're dealing with! This is Rudy Giuliani, the Rock Of 9/11, the Hero Of Ground Zero, the Man Who Strode Mightily While the Rest Of The World Wavered. He ain't gonna take that shit from nobody!

Giuliani didn't give up.

"All right, well let's come back one more time," Giuliani said. "During the campaign, I wanna ride a pace car! Will you let me ride a pace car? Do I need a license for that?"

The officials wouldn't budge. Dejected, Giuliani looked at a mother and son, standing nearby.

He tried one last time.

"One time, boys. One time," he pleaded, his voice whining. Walking away, Giuliani smiled and said, "We're all little boys, don't you know that?"

Way to go! Nothing like a bit of pouting and sniveling to sew up the NASCAR vote.

Rudy Giuliani massive ego

But America's Mayor isn't calling it quits yet. Just like George W. Bush, he doesn't care what the polls say - because the sun simply shines out of his butt. According to the Associated Press:

Giuliani also woke up at a Marriott hotel, though this one was a luxury version on the bay, the Tampa Marriott Waterside. Aides clicked through the swank lobby in heels and suits, running a spit-and-polish operation that rivals the professionalism of the Bush White House ... The press boarded its bus, entirely separated from the candidate's bus. In fact, there was no Giuliani sighting at all until nearly 90 minutes later at an Italian restaurant, when he breezed through the "clear passageway" his staff insisted on maintaining. Eleven hours and four events later, he hadn't interacted with his traveling press corps in any way.


Giuliani carries himself like he already occupies the Oval Office.

Giuliani's team borrows much from President Bush's White House, including some former staff. There are lots of shouted orders about loading up on buses and exactly where to stand at events. There's a detailed schedule for the day, one that looks just like the ones handed out on Bush trips, and lots of secrecy about what's coming two or even one day hence.

And it seems that Rudy's well-oiled machine is a real hit with the voters. As the Palm Beach Post noted last week:

A friendly crowd of about 1,000 nearly turned into an angry mob waiting for Rudy Giuliani to appear at a downtown Irish pub in this well-heeled community this evening.

Giuliani's campaign scheduled the event to begin at 6 p.m., but automated calls made to Republican voters in the area advised that the rally would begin at 4:30, which caused many elderly supporters wilting in the sun and others jeering as campaign surrogates pled for patience.

Many would-be supporters arrived before 3 p.m. to see the former New York City mayor, but dozens vacated the jam-packed plaza outside the pub long before he arrived.

"He just lost a vote," Q overheard one disgruntled elderly gentleman grumble.

It's okay though - Rudy managed to salvage the situation by breaking down in tears and explaining that the scheduling confusion would never have occurred if he hadn't been so distracted by those asshole NASCAR officials who wouldn't let him ride in the goddamn pace car. *sniffle*

Rudy Giuliani batshit crazy loser

Winston Churchill once said that "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm," and Rudy has certainly taken that advice on board. Sure, you may have been under the impression that he was betting all his chips on Florida, hoping to use the state to propel himself to victory on Super Duper Tuesday, but that's a foolish mistake - his grand plan is far more complex and ambitious than we mere mortals could ever contemplate!

It seems that Florida is no longer a must-win for Rudy. "I don't think any candidate ever puts himself in a corner and says, must win, have to win, must win," he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News last week. Given that he's now polling in fourth place in Florida, that's probably just as well.

Yes, it seems that Rudy is now regrouping and keeping his powder dry for the crucial final primaries in New Mexico and South Dakota on June 3rd. After that he plans to ride to the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis at the head of a parade of firetrucks decorated with pieces of debris from the World Trade Center and emblazoned with the slogan "Dial 9/11 For Rudy."

If only the firefighters didn't hate his guts too.

Mitt Romney dumb

Newsflash: Mitt Romney likes black people! On Martin Luther King Day last week, Mitt stopped by Gate Petroleum in Jacksonville, Florida, and impressed employees with his deep knowledge of African-American culture.

"Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?" Romney said, singing the chorus of a popular song while posing with children.

Gawd, how embarrassing. Could this guy be any more stiff?

Admiring a child's gold necklace, he said, "You've got some bling-bling, too."


But Mitt's not worried - see, he doesn't care what the voters think. According to CNN's report of last week's Republican debate:

The statement came during a back and forth with moderator Tim Russert, after Romney was asked how much of his own money he has donated to his presidential campaign.

"We'll report that on the 31st of January, as required by law, and probably not a minute earlier. You'll just have to wait, Tim," Romney said.

"But why not tell the voters of Florida and across the country how much of your own wealth you're spending, so they can make a judgment and factor that into their own decision?" Russert responded.

"Well, I'm not concerned about the voters," Romney replied.

Good attitude! That's exactly the kind of shrug-it-off, chin-up approach that's needed when dealing with the rough and tumble of presidential politics. I mean, check this out:

At the end of the Republican presidential debate in New Hampshire this month, when the Democrats joined the candidates on stage, Mitt Romney found himself momentarily alone as his counterparts mingled, looking around a bit stiffly for a companion.

The moment was emblematic of a broader reality that has helped shape the Republican contest and could take center stage again on Thursday at a debate in Florida. Within the small circle of contenders, Mr. Romney has become the most disliked.

It's true - the most disliked group of men in America have voted Mitt Romney as their least-favorite. That's gotta hurt.

John Gibson homophobia

Fox News talking head John Gibson has a long history of making offensive and bigoted comments on air, and last week he managed to keep his streak going. According to Think Progress:

Opening his radio show with funeral music yesterday, Fox News host John Gibson callously mocked the death of actor Heath Ledger, calling him a "weirdo" with a "serious drug problem."

Playing an audio clip of the iconic quote, "I wish I knew how to quit you" from Ledger's gay romance movie Brokeback Mountain, Gibson disdainfully quipped, "Well, he found out how to quit you." Laughing, Gibson then played another clip from Brokeback Mountain in which Ledger said, "We're dead," followed by his own, mocking "We're dead" before playing the clip again.

Ha ha ha!!! Get it?!?!? It's funny that Heath Ledger is dead at the age of 28, because he once played a gay guy in a movie. ROFL! He sure got what was coming to him!

For some reason Gibson later attempted an apology, although I'm not sure why he bothered. The guy has such an extreme problem with gay people he'll make shitty jokes about the death of an actor who isn't even gay, but merely played a gay man in a movie. What's he going to do when Sir Ian McKellen dies? Throw a party? Go home and masturbate till he loses consciousness?

Here's the apology: Gibson is sorry if people misinterpreted his comments as being anti-gay or - gasp! - somehow insensitive. He's also sorry to people who were offended. (Nice nudge and a wink to the neanderthals who make up his regular audience there.) And he's sorry that Ledger is dead.

So in a nutshell, he's not taking any responsibility for what he said at all.

Now it's time for "My Word." I have received comments regarding remarks I made on my radio show the other night after the shocking death of Heath Ledger. I'm sorry that some took my comments as anti-gay and insensitive. I'm aware that Ledger has a family and many fans who were grief-stricken by his sudden death.

As I speak, a crowd is gathering at the funeral home where Ledger's funeral services will be held. Those who knew him say he was a good actor and a loving dad. And what happened to him was terrible, but was evidently an accident. Once again, to anyone offended by my comments, I'm sorry. But I'm also sorry that Heath Ledger is no longer alive and with us.

Translation: "What I'm really mourning is the loss of my Brokeback Mountain jokes."

Daniel Dean Thompson just plain evil

Over the past couple of years a number of companies have sprung up to cater to the conservative movie buff and his oh-so-offended eyes. These companies edit the naughty bits out of Hollywood movies - bare boobies, swearing, ultraviolence, etc. - and market them as "clean" versions.

Not only does this system allow concerned moms and dads to take one more lazy step back from the parenting process, it improves the movies too. You haven't see "Scarface" until you've seen Tony Montana scream "Say ello to my leedle fren!" followed by a black screen and the words "The End."

Anyway, sure as day follows night, conservative moralists get busted for evil-doing - so it probably won't surprise you to learn that the owner of Flix Club, a Utah-based company that marketed "clean" versions of movies for conservative parents, was arrested last week for child sex abuse.

A Utah retailer of family-friendly tapes and DVDs - Hollywood films with the "dirty parts" cut out of them - has been arrested for trading sex with two 14-year-old girls.

Orem police say Flix Club owner Daniel Dean Thompson, 31, and Issac Lifferth, 24, were booked into the Utah County jail on charges of sexual abuse and unlawful sexual activity with a 14-year-old.

If this guy's convicted, I hope the judge cuts out the part where he gets parole.

George W. Bush helping terrorists

And now it's time for George W. Bush vs. Osama bin Laden - The Saga Continues!

Dateline: September 17, 2001. Bush lays down the law!

"I want justice. And there's an old poster out West, I recall, that said, 'Wanted, Dead or Alive.' ... We're going to find those evildoers, those barbaric people who attacked our country, and we're going to hold them accountable. We're going to hold the people who house them accountable. The people who think they can provide them safe havens will be held accountable. The people who feed them will be held accountable."

Dateline: September 26, 2001. Bush turns up the heat!

"The mission is to rout terrorists, to find them and bring them to justice. Or, as I explained to the prime minister in Western terms, to smoke them out of their caves, to get them running so we can get them."

Dateline: March 13, 2002. Bush changes his mind!

"Well, as I say, we haven't heard much from him. And I wouldn't necessarily say he's at the center of any command structure. And, again, I don't know where he is. I - I'll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him."

Dateline: January 26, 2006. Bush changes his mind again!

"When he says he's going to hurt the American people again, or try to, he means it. I take it seriously, and the people of NSA take it seriously."

Dateline: January 24, 2008. Bush admits that he is completely and utterly incompetent!

"If we could find the cave he is in, I promise you - he would be brought to justice or wherever he's hiding."

Can somebody tell me again what we're paying this guy for?

Chuck Norris cheese

Mike Huckabee hasn't won since the Iowa Caucus, so last week he brought out the big guns. That's right, I'm talking about Chuck Norris. Chuck held a fundraiser for Huck last week, and used his famous martial arts skills to give current frontrunner John McCain the perfect backhanded compliment.

On Sunday, Norris hosted a fundraising barbecue for Huckabee at the weightlifter's Texas spread, the Lone Wolf Ranch, near Navasota. He made a point of telling reporters he was concerned about McCain's health and age, which is very kind and thoughtful but may have also had a political point.

Now I'll be the first to acknowledge that the 112-year-old McCain is far too crusty to run for president. But come on, Chuck. That hair dye isn't fooling anyone. Don't you think there's a bit of the old pot-kettle-black going on here? Wasn't that you doddering your way around the set of "Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire" at the ripe old age of 65?

Wait, I think I have a poster of that lying around somewhere...

Sylvester Stallone cheese

And finally... Not so fast, Mike Huckabee - John McCain's got his own tough-guy waiting in the wings. Sylvester Stallone has a bag full of action-movies-as-politics clichés, and he's not afraid to use them!

"I like McCain a lot. A lot," Stallone said. He called the Republican the right character for the times. "The script that's being written - and the reality - is pretty brutal and pretty hard-edged like a rough action film, and you need somebody who's been in that to deal with it."

He continued, "Being president is a tough business, it's like having a stuntman pretend to punch you in the face over and over again, or using a rubber knife to fake-stab some guys dressed up as the Viet Cong. And then you go back to your trailer and someone has forgotten to put your Bollinger on ice. These are the harsh realities of the world we live in today."

Of course, McCain was ecstatic to have his very own slab of saggy man-meat to play with.

Campaigning later in West Palm Beach, McCain told reporters, jokingly: "Look out, Chuck Norris, Sylvester's comin' after you. He's comin' after you and he's going to get you. You better run! Chuck, you can run but you can't hide!"

That's right folks, while the Democratic Party seems poised to nominate a woman or a black man for the first time in the nation's history, the Republican nomination has come down to a dick-fight between Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone. Gee, I can't decide which aging cartoon beefcake I prefer. Someone let me know when Steven Seagal endorses Mitt Romney.

But the Stallone endorsement could really put the spring back in McCain's step. According to the Philadelphia Inquirer:

John McCain says he's ready to run the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, just like Rocky Balboa did, now that he's got the support of actor Sylvester Stallone.

Yes, he'll probably be needing that.

See you next week!

-- EarlG
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