The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 328

March 10, 2008
Grandpa And The Clown Edition

John McCain and George W. Bush (1) share the top honor this week, and make individual appearances elsewhere on the list. Meanwhile, it's been a bumper week for conservative idiocy thanks to remarks by Oliver North (5), Sally Kern (8), and Steve King (9). Enjoy, and don't forget the key!



John McCain and George W. Bush

Congratulations, John McCain! You beat the odds and won the Republican nomination for president! And now here's your prize:


That's right - you get to kiss the ring of George W. Bush.

Sen. McCain visited the White House last week to accept the not-exactly-sought-after endorsement of Our Great Leader, which went something like this:





Seriously, George did everything he could to steal the limelight from McCain - joking and jumping in on reporters' questions - which you can see from the video here. Oh, and let's not forget the pre-press conference tap dance routine:


I think somebody may be having relevancy issues.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, why on earth would John McCain want to get up there and dance the funky chicken with the least popular president in recorded history? Well it's quite simple - according to White House press secretary Dana Perino, "The president is very popular within the party."

This just in...


So assuming that there still is a Republican party by November, Bush's endorsement could prove crucial.

Before their big Rose Garden schmooze-fest John and George sat down and enjoyed a meal together, and to show his respect and admiration for his former rival, Bush served hot dogs. I'm not kidding. Once this delightful meal was over it was time to get down to business, and Bush & Co. had nothing but nice things to say about John McCain.


And let's not forget this kiss-of-death prediction:


Yes, Bush & Co. had nothing but nice things to say about McCain last week - most of which will look really, really good in Democratic campaign commercials later this year.



John McCain

Meanwhile, let's not lose sight of this important fact: the man who isn't going to change George W. Bush's disastrous foreign policy is a powder-keg ready to blow. Sure, he was only joking when he sang about bombing Iran, but let's face it - he was being serious. Even his fellow Republicans think he's a loon.


But don't worry - last week former GOP nominee Sen. Bob Dole revealed that McCain's got a lid on things. CNN reported that:


Well gee, I hope so. After all, this is that the man whom George W. Bush hopes will soon be "sitting in behind that desk making decisions on war and peace."

Or to put it another way, "sitting in behind that desk making decisions on war."



John McCain

I noted last week that John McCain had recently accepted the endorsement of megachurch leader John Hagee, despite Hagee's long history of calling the Catholic church things like, "The Great Whore" and "the anti-Christ" and "a false cult system."

It's okay though, because McCain - who had long sought Hagee's endorsement - had the perfect excuse. "I don't have to agree with everyone who endorses my candidacy. They are supporting my candidacy. I am not endorsing some of their positions," he said last week.

How convenient. Unfortuantely for McCain, that didn't let him off the giant hypocrisy hook. Last week the Huffington Post noted that during the 2000 election, the senator "delivered a 'Catholic Voter Alert' in the form of robo-calls to Catholic voters," warning them of George W. Bush's ties to the Catholic-hating Bob Jones III. The message went like this:


So let's see: when George W. Bush spoke at Bob Jones University in 2000, McCain shat a brick and went after Bush so hard that Bush eventually sent a letter of apology to New York's Cardinal John O'Connor which read in part, "On reflection, I should have been more clear in disassociating myself from anti-Catholic sentiments and racial prejudice." But when John McCain actively sought and accepted the endorsement of John Hagee, he thought he could just say, "I don't have to agree with everyone who endorses my candidacy," and people would just shut up about it.

Nice double standard there, straight-talk guy.

But of course, people didn't shut up about it, and so last Friday McCain decided to do a bit of damage control, conducting an interview with the Associated Press in which he said, "We've had a dignified campaign, and I repudiate any comments that are made, including Pastor Hagee's, if they are anti-Catholic or offensive to Catholics. I sent two of my children to Catholic school. I categorically reject and repudiate any statement that was made that was anti-Catholic, both in intent and nature. I categorically reject it, and I repudiate it."

So I have to say it - well done, John McCain, for finally stepping up and rejecting Hagee's statements about Catholics.

Since you didn't reject Hagee's other statements, I'll just have to assume that you're still fine with slave sales, the idea that gays caused Hurricane Katrina, and of course, Armageddon.



Mike Huckabee

Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of John McCain's victory is the fact that we now have to wave goodbye to conservative idiot extraordinaire Mike Huckabee. Unfortunately Mike's exit from the race means that he will now have to satiate hs constant craving for attention via other means.




Still, if you think the outlook is grim for Huckabee, it could be worse - what on earth is Chuck Norris going to do now? According to IMDB he's got nothing lined up, so he's probably going to have to go back to the ranch and practice one-fingered pushups or no-handed squat thrusts or whatever it is he does out there. Oh, won't somebody think of the Chuck Norris.

Just in case we don't see Mike Huckabee's smiling chipmunk cheeks for a while, I'll leave you with one last fabulous Huckabism to keep you going. The New York Post reported last week that he...


Farewell, sir. We'll miss you.



Oliver North

Since we're now only eight months away from a general election, it must be time for this story again:


And the evidence is...?


Well indeed. After all, despite the fact that we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here, there was a terrorist attack in New York last week - an unidentified man on a bicycle set off a bomb at the military recruiting station in Times Square. It's true.

So what I want to know is, given all the time and money Bush has spent on "homeland security" and "protecting the American people" how come they didn't see this mad bicycle bomber coming? I mean, Gen. Renuart seems pretty sure that Al Qaeda is on the march - and if we can't stop a guy on a bicycle, how are we going to stop the Islamofascist hordes?

Fortunately Oliver North has the answer. Appearing on Fox News the day after the Times Square bombing, he had this to say:


Makes perfect sense. When nothing happens in Times Square, it's proof that the Bush administration's grand anti-terror plan is working. But when some random guy blows up the military recruitment station, it's Nancy Pelosi's fault.

Tell you what Ollie, why don't we just cut to the chase and put cameras and microphones into every house in America so we can arrest suspicious-looking people before they have a chance to do anything? Let's face it, if the United States were more like North Korea, we wouldn't have all these problems.



George W. Bush

Congress recently passed a law which would force U.S. intelligence services to follow United States Army Field Manual rules on the treatment of prisoners. According to the New York Times, the Manual specifically prohibits:


Sounds pretty reasonable. After all, according to the Times, even Gen. David Get Out Of My Dreams Get Into My Car Petraeus has said, "Some may argue that we would be more effective if we sanctioned torture or other expedient methods to obtain information from the enemy. They would be wrong. Beyond the basic fact that such actions are illegal, history shows that they also are frequently neither useful nor necessary."

Wise words. Which is why nobody was surprised to learn that:


Duh.



The Bush Administration

Hey, did you know that the new American embassy in Iraq has cost the U.S. taxpayer three-quarters of a billion dollars so far? It sure has! And that's money well spent, I'm sure you'll all agree. Who needs money for better education, infrastructure, and health care in the United States when we have middle-eastern countries to occupy?

And we're certainly getting our money's worth. McClatchy Newspapers reported last week that:


Now that may sound bad, but trust me - all we have to do is cut a few more domestic programs, hand another couple of hundred million dollars over to the contractors, and I'm sure they'll fix everything up real nice.



Sally Kern

There was shocking news last week when an Oklahoma lawmaker was caught on tape saying that "The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation; it's just a fact."

Except, for some reason it wasn't that shocking, because the lawmaker in question then did a TV interview and shrugged off the whole thing.


See, she's not gay bashing - she's just "stating the facts on what she believes." And she happens to believe that homosexuality is an urgent threat to America that must be dealt with before our nation is destroyed. What's wrong with that?


Really, Sally? Really? For real?

Maybe Ms. Kern would be more at home living in Saudia Arabia. She wouldn't be allowed to drive a car, but at least they know how to deal with the homosexual threat.




Steve King

While we're on the subject of idiot Republicans saying some of the most wrongheaded, ignorant shit you can possibly imagine, try this one on for size:


You heard him right - electing Barack Obama would be worse than 9/11.


Honestly, I'm not even sure how to untangle this giant ball of stupid.

Perhaps I could say that Hussein is one of the most common names in the world, and "the al-Qaida" weren't exactly fans of Saddam Hussein anyway. In fact, even suggesting that "the al-Qaida" would be cheering for someone called "Hussein" is just a rehash of that old "let's tie Iraq to 9/11" bullshit that's been discredited time and again over the past five years.

Nah, that's far too logical and reasonable.

Perhaps I could suggest that Steve King's last name appears to be an homage to monarchy, the most un-American form of government imaginable, and that his tenure in Congress is undermining the Constitution.

Hmm, that's a bit more unhinged.

Alternatively, I could note that based on his last name, Steve King is clearly in cahoots with King Mohammed VI of Morocco, not to mention King Herod, King Crimson, Don King, King Kong, The King Of Queens, Larry King, Burger King, and "The King Of Pop" Michael Jackson.

Yes, that sounds sufficiently stupid.

But you know what? I think I shall settle for calling Rep. King a dumb motherfucker and leave it at that. Oh, and I shall also look forward to John McCain denouncing and rejecting Rep. King, presumably in the next day or two. Something tells me that Sen. McCain is going to have a lot of denouncing and rejecting to do over the next few months.



The National Republican Congressional Committee

And finally, with more and more people calling themselves Democrats, donating to the Democratic presidential candidates, turning out in record numbers to vote in the Democratic primaries, and even going so far as to elect a Democrat to Dennis Hastert's congressional seat last week, the Republican party is in dire straits. So what better time for this to happen:


Now that's what I call fiscal responsibility! So who's the alleged criminal mastermind behind this scam?


And is there any other information about this Christopher Ward - perhaps ironically linking him to a well-known right-wing 527 organization with "Truth" in its title?


Delicious. See you next week!

-- EarlG