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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
Posted by top10 in Editorials & Other Articles
Mon Jul 21st 2008, 12:02 AM

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 345

July 21, 2008
McPain Edition

John McCain (1,2,3,4,5) is really firing on all cylinders as we come down the back straight of the presidential race. Elsewhere, George W. Bush (8) is in the pits, and Mike Meehan (10) has crashed up a tree. As usual, don't forget the key!

John McCain misogyny.gif

John McCain is still desperately trying to woo former Clinton supporters, despite the fact that Sen. Clinton has endorsed Barack Obama for president. But let's be serious: people who actually care about the issues Hillary cares about couldn't possibly want McCain to win in November.

Last week the Huffington Post reported that, "back in 1986, during his initial run for the Senate, John McCain allegedly told a crude joke about rape involving a woman's affection for an ape."

In an appearance before the National League of Cities and Towns in Washington D.C., McCain supposedly asked the crowd if they had heard "the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die?"

The punch line: "When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, "Where is that marvelous ape?"

Get it? No? Come on, it's pretty simple - a woman gets beaten into a coma and raped (repeatedly) by a gorilla. The funny part is, she enjoys it! Isn't that hilarious? Why aren't you laughing?

Of course, McCain "didn't recall" telling the ape rape joke. Which is understandable given his advanced age.

John McCain dumb

If former Clinton supporters needed any further indication that McCain is the wrong man for the job, check this out:

John McCain devoted a substantial chunk of his town hall meeting Thursday to drawing contrasts with Barack Obama on health care policy, stressing his opposition to the presumptive Democratic nominee's health care plan and noting the "great difference" between them on abortion.

McCain's strongest denunciation of Obama came when discussing the Democrat's health care plan, which would cost $50-65 billion per year but would not mandate insurance coverage for all adults, only children.

"My friends, we've seen this movie before," McCain said. "It was called 'HillaryCare' back in 1993, and we're not going to do it again. We're not going to have the government take over the health care system in America."

Er, "Hillarycare?" He spends all that time wooing Clinton fans, going on about how great she is, trying to use the Democratic primaries as a wedge - and then he goes and badmouths "Hillarycare?"

Is McCain even trying to win?

John McCain dumb

Last week, Sen. John Greatest Foreign Policy Expert In The History Of The World McCain showed off his credentials once again at a town hall in New Mexico:

Yesterday at a town hall meeting in New Mexico, McCain said:

"And I regret some of the recent behavior Russia that has exhibited, and I'll be glad to talk about that later on including reduction in oil supplies to Czechoslovakia after they agreed with us on a missile defense system, et cetera."

He made a similar statement on Monday, again referring to "Czechoslovakia."

Now I know what you're thinking: didn't Czechoslovakia cease to exist in 1993? Well, yes, that's true. But that doesn't mean McCain is out of touch - of course not! This was just a simple slip of the tongue. Okay, two simple slips of the tongue. It's not like McCain has ever done this before...

In early 2000, then-Gov. George W. Bush told Roger Simon, then with U.S. News & World Report, that he was befuddled by how soft the media was on Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz.

"I don't think there is any plot; I hope there isn't," Bush said. "But it's an amazing phenomenon, I'll tell you that. It's like the flap over the foreign-leader deal. A guy gets up and quizzes me -- it's my fault for trying to answer -- but John McCain says something about the 'ambassador to Czechoslovakia.' Well, I know there is no Czechoslovakia, but yet it didn't make the nightly national news."

Wow - even George W. Bush knows there's no Czechoslovakia! If McCain becomes president I hope he doesn't declare war on Prussia or the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

John McCain flip-flopping hypocrisy

Say it ain't so, Sen. McCain

John McCain likes to paint Barack Obama as a naive follower on key national security issues. But by moving up his planned Afghanistan speech by two days to follow Obama's, and by agreeing that more U.S. troops are needed there, McCain appears to be following the Illinois Democrat on a major proposed shift for U.S. foreign policy.

Last month, Joint Chiefs chairman Adm. Michael Mullen said he needed at least three brigades shifted to Afghanistan, but that "troop constraints were preventing such a move."

Democrats trumpeted the statement as vindication, but McCain's campaign held its line and "resisted calls for more (U.S.) troops" in Afghanistan.


Flash-forward to today. As the AP reported, McCain was set to discuss the economy, with an address on Afghanistan scheduled for Thursday. But the campaign ditched its planned focus on jobs (although not its banner) to follow Obama's lead -- not only by talking about national security but by joining him in calling for more American troops in Afghanistan.

Fascinating - so the foreign policy master has become the student. That's probably not a bad thing. Maybe McCain can now spend some time learning about things like the breakup of Czechoslovakia, the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, etc.

Anyway, despite his mighty flip-flop, McCain was still using Afghanistan as a club to batter Obama last week:

...the McCain campaign loudly criticized Obama this week for failing to schedule any hearings on Afghanistan in the last year and a half. Obama chairs the European Affairs Subcommittee of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which has oversight of military operations in Afghanistan.

"As the situation in Afghanistan grows more tense, it is time for us to hold a hearing on the mission there," Sen. Jim DeMint, R-S.C., a McCain surrogate and ranking member of Obama's subcommittee wrote in a letter to the Illinois senator. "The success of Afghanistan is critical to the future of NATO and vital to our efforts to defeat Al Qaeda and the Taliban."

Of the three Afghanistan-related hearings that the Senate Foreign Relations Committee has had over the past 22 months, Obama, the presumptive Democratic candidate, has only attended one.

Only one, eh? Well I guess McCain is right to criticize Obama for that.

Wait a minute, what's this?

ABC News' Z. Byron Wolf reports from Capitol Hill: The McCain campaign criticism of Sen. Barack Obama's hearing record on Capitol Hill led us to put the shoe on the other foot.

It turns out that presumptive Republican nominee Sen. John McCain has attended even fewer Afghanistan-related Senate hearings over the past two years than Obama's one. Which is a nice way of saying, McCain, R-Ariz., the top Republican on the Senate Armed Service Committee, has attended zero of his committee's six hearings on Afghanistan over the last two years.

John McCain dumb

And here's one last story from the Ongoing Political Genius Of John McCain file...

This morning, aboard John McCain's Straight Talk Express jet, one of the Arizona senator's favorite traveling companions -- Steve Duprey, who co-chaired McCain's Republican primary effort in New Hampshire and has been hanging around ever since -- handed out little customized bottles of McCain sunscreen.

That's nice. Any other novelty items you'd like to hand out? Perhaps something that would be amusingly inappropriate and cause reporters to have a bit of a chuckle at your expense?

News reporters on the plane also received yellow-and-blue flip-flops printed with the message "McCain ... Another Day at the Beach."

Well played.

Elizabeth Dole batshit crazy

According to ABC News last week:

Sen. Elizabeth Dole, R-NC, has officially requested that the "Tom Lantos and Henry J. Hyde United States Global Leadership Against HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria Reauthorization Act of 2008" be also named after the late Sen. Jesse Helms, R-NC.

How utterly ridiculous. This is like suggesting that George W. Bush should win the Nobel Peace Prize, or that Rush Limbaugh should start a new business lecturing vulnerable teenagers about the evils of prescription drug abuse on a private island off the coast of the Dominican Republic. Absolute madness.

Apparently Dole wants Helms to be included because after a lifetime of racist and homophobic bigotry he did an about-face and promised to keep AIDS "on his agenda" until he left office - which happened less than one year later. In a book on his belated change of heart, Helms wrote, "It had been my feeling that AIDS was a disease largely spread by reckless and voluntary sexual and drug-abusing behavior and that it would probably be confined to those in high risk populations. I was wrong."

Or in other words, "AIDS was fine when it was only killing junkies and homos." That's probably why a shrugging Helms said in 1996, "I've never heard once in this chamber anybody say to the homosexuals 'Stop what you're doing.' Do you realize that if they would stop what they're doing, there would not be one additional case of AIDS in the United States?"

Hey, here's an idea - how about we rename it the Jesus Christ Could Elizabeth Dole Be Any More Of An Asshole bill?

Ron Fournier partisanship

A few months ago, the Associated Press promoted reporter Ron Fournier to Washington Bureau Chief. Last week Politico noted that:

Fournier is a main engine in a high-stakes experiment at the 162-year old wire to move from its signature neutral and detached tone to an aggressive, plain-spoken style of writing that Fournier often describes as "cutting through the clutter."

In the stories the new boss is encouraging, first-person writing and emotive language are okay.

So is scrapping the stonefaced approach to journalism that accepts politicians' statements at face value and offers equal treatment to all sides of an argument. Instead, reporters are encouraged to throw away the weasel words and call it like they see it when they think public officials have revealed themselves as phonies or flip-floppers.

In case you were wondering why Fournier has tossed out "neutral" in favor of "emotive," this excerpt from page 21 of the House Oversight Committee's report on Pat Tillman might give you a clue:

Rove exchanged e-mails about Pat Tillman with Associated Press reporter Ron Fournier, under the subject line "H-E-R-O." In response to Mr. Fournier's e-mail, Mr. Rove asked, "How does our country continue to produce men and women like this," to which Mr. Fournier replied, "The Lord creates men and women like this all over the world. But only the great and free countries allow them to flourish. Keep up the fight."

Yup, you heard right - that's the Washington Bureau Chief of the Associated Press telling Karl Rove to "keep up the fight." When pressed to explain, Fournier said:

"I was an AP political reporter at the time of the 2004 e-mail exchange, and was interacting with a source, a top aide to the president, in the course of following an important and compelling story. I regret the breezy nature of the correspondence."

Well I guess you're going to get a breeze when you blow that much smoke up someone's backside.

George W. Bush shocked, shocked I tell you

Remember when George W. Bush said he gave up playing golf in 2003 in order to demonstrate the seriousness of the Iraq war?

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf," Bush said Tuesday in an interview with Politico and Yahoo News. "I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal."

Well now that there are more important things to consider, it seems that golf is back on the menu again.

If you're a high-flying Republican, and you can afford to take next Monday off to fly to Maine, have we got a treat for you. On that day, former President George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush are hosting a high-dollar fundraiser for John McCain near their home in Kennebunkport.

According to a solicitation sent by the McCain camp, for the low, low price of $5,000, you can play a round of golf at Cape Arundel Golf Course, Bush's home course.

"Both President Bush and Governor Jeb Bush will be stopping by to greet the foursomes," the missive promises. "The course is reserved for this private group, and VIPs will be visiting during your round of golf. This event is a great way to end a weekend getaway, and we would be honored if you can attend."

To be fair it's unclear whether Our Great Leader will actually be playing golf, but one thing is certain: while Bush doesn't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf, he apparently doesn't mind some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief swanking around a posh golf course prising $5,000 checks out of fat-cat Republicans.

The RNC dumb

The RNC has decided to try and finally drain out the last of the backwash. Last week it was revealed that the RNC has threatened to sue because "its users are selling t-shirts, stickers and other items bearing designs that refer to Republicans and Republican candidates using the initials 'GOP' or using various portrayals of elephants."

Feeling a bit insecure, are we? Unfortunately for the RNC, this bizarre decision has the potential to backfire in all kinds of hilarious ways. As Newscorpse points out:

Ironically, this harebrained scheme can only work to the disadvantage of Republican allies. The First Amendment guarantee of free speech, along with "fair use" and the legal protection for parody, insure that any critical use of the trademarked properties is permitted. Only those who are using the properties favorably would be subject to litigation because it would be more likely to result in confusion with the RNC's own favorable use.

In other words, something like this would not be allowed on Cafe Press:

Whereas something like this would be fine:

Mike Meehan batshit crazy

And finally: Since Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, a lot of people have probably forgotten about 9/11. But never fear - Mike Meehan of St. Cloud, Florida is here to honor the victims of that fateful day with three identical billboards in the Orlando area:

I must admit that Mr. Meehan's dignified tribute piqued my curiosity so I visited his website and listened to his song, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is a fan of music that sounds like ZZ Top playing at the bottom of a 2000 gallon bucket of shit.

If you can't stomach a visit, that's okay - here's a picture of Mike Meehan.

He loves America so much, he turned Old Glory into a shirt that he polishes with the sweat from his patriotic armpits.

Meehan soon explained to CNN the underlying reason behind his hatred for all things Democratic:

"I believe 9/11 could have been prevented if we'd had a Republican president at the time," Meehan said Wednesday on CNN's "American Morning."

See you next week!

-- EarlG
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