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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
 The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 355 January 12, 2009 Lump Of Coleman Edition I'm back! So, did anything interesting happen while I was away? I mean, apart from the electoral annihilation of the Republican party, the humiliation of John McCain and Sarah Palin, and the complete collapse of the conservative agenda? Ha ha! Well, it turns out that despite magnificent Democratic victories last November, there are still plenty of conservative idiots who need to be smoked out of their caves and brought to justice. So here it is - the return of the Top 10. I'm not going to go back and cover everything that happened since I went on hiatus in October, we'll just start fresh with this week's batch. Before I begin, I should point out that I'm now the primary caregiver to a three-month-old infant, so please forgive me if this column does not appear as regularly as it once did. I promise I will do my best to publish weekly, but I apologize in advance if I have to take weekends off every now and again. On with the show! Norm Coleman (1) doesn't know when he's not wanted, Rush Limbaugh (2) cracks the irony meter, and Joe The Plumber (3) has a new job. Elsewhere, George W. Bush (4,5,7) isn't going gracefully, Dick Cheney (6) is in his last throes, and Sarah Palin (10) is desperately trying to stay relevant. Don't forget the key!  Norm Coleman    Back on November 6, 2008, Sen. Norm Coleman had some strong words for challenger Al Franken. According to the Associated Press: Coleman declared himself the winner of Tuesday's election but Franken said he would let the recount play out, hoping it would erase the incumbent's 475-vote lead out of nearly 2.9 million ballots. State officials said the recount wouldn't start until mid-November and would likely take weeks. "Yesterday the voters spoke. We prevailed," Coleman said Wednesday at a news conference. He noted Franken could opt to waive the recount. "It's up to him whether such a step is worth the tax dollars it will take to conduct," Coleman said, telling reporters he would "step back" if he were in Franken's position. Funnily enough, it turns out that the recount was worth it, because last week Minnesota's state canvassing board certified Al Franken as the winner by 225 votes. So now Coleman is in Franken's position, surely he'll have to take his own advice and "step back" in order to avoid rightful accusations of massive and blatant hypocrisy. Sen. Norm Coleman said minutes ago that he will contest the result of the 2008 U.S. Senate election and take the result to court. Ah, right.  Rush Limbaugh Assuming Norm Coleman's ridiculous court challenge fails to impress, Al Franken will be seated as Minnesota's junior senator. This, of course, has the GOP in fits. OMG! Franken is a celebrity! Everyone knows that celebrities shouldn't be allowed to hold public office, except for J.C. Watts, Clint Eastwood, Steve Largent, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sonny Bono, Fred Thompson, Jim Bunning, and Ronald Reagan. Republicans are also fuming about Franken's record of partisanship. According to Politico: "I don't know if we've ever had an opponent who is so disliked by Republicans as Al Franken," said Minnesota Republican Party Chair Ron Carey, who cautioned that Coleman's election challenge could still turn the results back his way. "It's one thing to lose to an honorable opponent, but Al Franken is not considered an honorable opponent by Minnesota Republicans." Yes, shame on Al Franken for cracking partisan jokes about Republicans and calling the oh-so-respectable Rush Limbaugh a "big fat idiot." Why, everyone knows that Republicans are never partisan, and would never stoop so low as to call Democrats names. Sure, over the past eight years top Republicans may have said stuff like, voting for Democrats will expose America to devastating terrorist attacks, or if the Democrats win the terrorists win, or the Democratic presidential nominee pals around with terrorists. But they didn't really mean it. And speaking of the big fat idiot himself, Limbaugh also had a go at Franken last week. Republicans outside Minnesota are equally apoplectic when it comes to Franken. Prominent conservative Rush Limbaugh, who Franken mocked in the title of one of his books, has already jabbed Franken on his radio show, telling listeners in December that Franken "won't quit (the Senate race) because he doesn't know how to get a real job ... He's a pathetic figure." So let's see... Franken used to be a radio talk show host and now he's a United States senator. Meanwhile Limbaugh used to be a prescription drug addict and now he's a radio talk show host. Remind me again which one is the pathetic figure?  Joe The Plumber   I know what you're thinking: "Good lord, hasn't this dick gone away yet?" I'm afraid not. In fact, Samuel "Joe The Alleged Plumber" Wurzelbacher is truly living the American dream. One day he's got nothing better to do than stand around in the middle of the street asking Candidate Obama a question about taxes, the next thing you know he's a budding New York Times best-selling author and a soon-to-be-multi-platinum-selling recording artist. But just in case those careers don't pan out, Joe has got a backup plan. And if you thought Plan A was a joke, wait till you hear about Plan B. Turns out Joe is now officially a war correspondent for conservative blogging group Pajamas Media. He travelled to Israel last week to - and I quote - "let their 'Average Joes' share their story, what they think, how they feel, especially with world opinion -- maybe get a real story out there." According to AFP: Hot-spots being considered for coverage are "the West Bank, Bethlehem (to investigate conditions for Christians there), southern Israel where the missiles are falling and, of course, as close as he can get to the Gaza border," (Pajamas Media chief executive Roger) Simon wrote. Despite the obvious dangers, Joe is confident that his superior choice of religious deity will prevent him from coming to harm. "Being a Christian, I'm pretty well protected by God, I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance," he added. Ah, I can see it now...   George W. Bush  Spot the deliberate mistake:  Yes, it turns out that Our Great Leader is actually a life-size Gerry Anderson puppet, only slightly less realistic. And now it's time for a... Bad news for the soon-to-be-ex-Commander-in-Chief, I'm afraid. According to a Think Progress report last week: In 2007, President Bush told biographer Robert Draper that he would "replenish the ol' coffers" by going around and giving speeches after office, where he could make "ridiculous money." But it's unlikely that Bush will be rolling in the dough. Interviewed by the Daily Beast, a publisher said Bush will likely only receive "minimal interest" because of his unpopularity. His unpopularity, and the fact that he he can't string more than two sentences together without drooling on his loafers.  George W. Bush  Torture doesn't work. If you want proof, all you need to know is that the worst president in U.S. history said last week that "the techniques were necessary and are necessary." There you have it - if Bush said it, it must be wrong. But don't worry - you see, it's really just a matter of semantics. During an interview with Fox News... "I firmly reject the word 'torture,'" Bush said. That's right. He doesn't reject torture - he rejects the word torture. I do hope it won't be too long before he has to pull a Ted Stevens and reject the word "guilty."  Dick Cheney  Meanwhile, Dick Cheney is entering the last throes of his vice presidency with a defiant take on the administration's record. Vice President Dick Cheney says that his boss, President George W. Bush, has no need to apologize to the American people for not doing more to head off the financial calamity, saying no one saw the crisis coming. During an interview Thursday with The Associated Press in his West Wing office, Cheney defended the administration's performance on an economy that is growing weaker daily and which recently collapsed in spectacular fashion. Cheney said that "nobody anywhere was smart enough to figure it out." Now why does that sound familiar? Ah yes... "I don't think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center." -- Condoleezza Rice, May 16, 2002 Q: Did you anticipate the insurgency would be as bad as it is right now? DONALD RUMSFELD: No. -- Fox News transcript, September 29, 2004 "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." -- George W. Bush, October 1, 2005 Yes, it seems that nobody in this administration could see anything coming. On the other hand, they were some things they could see coming... "We will be in Baghdad at the end of March. We can win without destruction." -- George W. Bush, February 22, 2003 JAY GARNER, HEAD OF IRAQ OFFICE OF RECONSTRUCTION AND HUMANITARIAN ASSISTANCE: I think it's going to cost billions of dollars. DONALD RUMSFELD: My friend, if you think we're going to spend a billion dollars of our money over there, you are sadly mistaken. -- Conversation included in an unpublished federal report, March 2003 "We believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons." -- Dick Cheney, March 16, 2003 "The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. -- George W. Bush, September 2, 2005 "I'm confident we'll hold the White House in 2008." -- George W. Bush, February 25, 2008  George W. Bush  George W. Bush began his presidency with an enormous display of pettiness - the incoming administration invented dramatic tales of White House vandalism by outgoing Clinton staffers and sold them breathlessly to the media (via the Drudge Report) in an effort to trash Bill Clinton as his presidency ended. Months later it was proved that no such vandalism occurred, but by that time the media had moved on and the lie had become part of the conventional wisdom. And so it is that Bush's presidency ends as it began. Recently Barack Obama asked the Bush administration if his family could move into Blair House - the president's guest house - a little early, so that his daughters could start their school term without too much fuss. Sorry! The White House refused the request on the grounds that there were "previously scheduled events" at Blair House which could not be moved. And those "previously scheduled events" would be...? It turns out that only one person is staying overnight at Blair House during the two weeks prior to the inauguration on January 20 - that would be John Howard, the conservative former prime minister of Australia, who also happened to be a big booster of the war in Iraq. If you guessed that he's in DC to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom, congratulations - you win a stuffed kookaburra. Former British prime minister Tony Blair and Colombian President Alvaro Uribe (also in DC to receive the Medal of Freedom) decided to room elsewhere so as not to inconvenience President-Elect Obama. Apparently John Howard needed most of Blair House's 70,000 square feet of space, spanning 119 rooms, to accomodate his ego. And so the Obamas have been forced to stay at the Hay-Adams Hotel (at taxpayer expense) until five days before the inauguration, when they'll finally be allowed to move in to Blair House. Ten bucks says the Drudge Report will receive dramatic reports of vandalism after they move out.  George H.W. Bush According to a report in the UK Telegraph last week: The former American president George H.W. Bush has brushed aside the criticism for his son George W and said he would like to see his second son Jeb become president one day. Mr Bush, who was president from 1989-93, said on Fox News that Jeb Bush, a former Florida governor, was well qualified to rise to the highest position in the land. "I'd like to see him run," said Mr Bush. "I'd like to see him be president one day, or senator, whatever, yes I would." Mr. President, I think I speak for everyone when I say FUCK THAT.  John McCain De ja vu! Last week former presidential candidate and current loser John McCain gave a press conference where he for some reason decided to blast fruit fly research. You may remember that Sarah Palin used this same line of attack to go after Congressional earmarks at the end of the disastrous Republican campaign last year. According to the Huffington Post: After a long takedown of research into lobsters by the University of Maine that involves a "Lobster Cam," McCain, a Senator from Arizona, turned on the fruit flies, saying, "also, there's one in Paris that -- yes -- $212,000 for Olive Fruit Fly research in Paris, France." During the campaign, Palin's criticism of fruit-fly research was heavily attacked by the scientific community, which argued that fruit flies, because of their brief life-spans, make up a cornerstone of scientific and medical research. In 1933, Thomas Hunt Morgan won a Nobel Prize for his work with fruit flies, which showed how genes are passed on through chromosomes. You can hardly blame John for not noticing the ridicule heaped on Palin for this nonsense though. To be fair, he was alseep for most of the campaign.  Sarah Palin  And finally - speaking of Sarah Palin, it seems she's another one desperately clinging to the dying seconds of her fifteen minutes of fame. Last week the governor of Alaska gave a whining, finger-pointing interview to conservative filmmaker John Ziegler in which she reminded America why we're so glad to see the back of her. It turns out that Palin was not to blame for coming across as a know-nothing imbecile during her interview with Katie Couric, it was in fact Katie Couric's fault for sitting there and watching while she did it. You know who else was to blame? The stupid McCain campaign for letting her do it. Oh, and it was also Tina Fey's fault for doing an impression of her. Sure, one of Fey's skits did get big laughs by simply quoting Palin word-for-word, but, er, she took Palin out of context. Or something. You know who else was to blame? The goshdarn liberal media. Why, if Palin were a Democrat, the press would never have been as nasty to her! Yes, I bet if the Democrats had run an unheard-of functionally illiterate moose-hunting former beauty queen with a secessionist husband and a pregnant unmarried teenage daughter for vice-president, the media would have said nothing at all. I just pray to the comedy gods that Palin gets the Republican presidential nomination in 2012. She made herself a national laughing stock in twelve short weeks - imagine what she could do with a full year. See you soon! -- EarlG |
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