The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 362
April 13, 2009
Storm In A Teabag Edition
This week we've got Teabaggers (1) and Freepers (10) and all kinds of conservative idiots in between. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
It's a big week for America's backwash - April 15 is Teabag Day, the right-wing's grand anti-government ball-gargling experiment. But all is not well in the land of wingnuttery. According to Neil Cavuto, shenanigans are afoot. As the Huffington Post reported last week...
"Only eight days before a nationwide tea party, some over-caffeinated crashers aiming to lay waste to it," Cavuto said. "Reports of very well-organized infiltrators trying to mix in and rain on this parade. Talk about taxing."
Cavuto's infiltrators are none other than 2008 electoral boogeyman ACORN and the Huffington Post, which has repeatedly asked readers to sign up as "citizen journalists" to help us cover the many-hundred tax day events. (Cavuto's characterization is accurate to the extent "infiltrate" is a synonym for "attend").
Well this is convenient... Fox News has worked a bunch of wingnuts into a frenzy with fantasies of armed revolution against their liberal oppressors, and is sending them out into the streets to protest. What could possibly go wrong? But just in case things do get out of hand, they now have a scapegoat... ACORN and the Huffington Post!
Meanwhile, NewsCorpse reports that Neil Cavuto isn't the only Teabagger shaking in his boots at the thought of this shadowy liberal insurgency. Check out the always entertaining Michelle Malkin, who claims that "on the ground, the tax-subsidized and Soros-subsidized troops are going to try and wreak havoc every way they can. Many readers and fellow bloggers have seen signs that ACORN may send in ringers and saboteurs to usurp the anti-tax, anti-reckless spending, anti-bailout message."
Funny how we pantywaist liberal peaceniks have suddently morphed into insidious and violent havoc-wreakers, but there you go. From Newscorpse...
I'm still having trouble grasping how the right can view liberals as weak, tottering, appeasers of Socialism, yet still fear their foreboding presence at a political rally. It parallels their thoroughly illogical perception of President Obama as lacking the courage or strength to be an effective leader, yet he is also a tyrannical despot plotting to enslave America and bend the world to his will.
The truth about these astroturf-roots charades is that they are nothing more than promotions for Fox News. They are pitched on the air and on Fox Nation. At least four Fox "personalities" are hosting the events (Glenn Beck, Neil Cavuto, Sean Hannity, and Greta Van Susteran). Fox even describes them as "FNC TAX DAY TEA PARTIES."
Hmm, remember the days when people had to get grassroots protests together without the assistance of a major cable news network? Back then they would barely even mention a few hundred thousand people marching in New York or Washington - now they're literally organizing the darn things! I guess change really has come to America.
For what it's worth, Cavuto defended Fox News's blatant promotion of the teabagging events, claiming last week that, "We are are going to be in the middle of these protests because at Fox, we do not pick and choose these rallies and protests. We were there for the Million Man March, even though, as I pointed out, it turned out to be well shy of a million men."
Which is pretty impressive given that the Million Man March happened in 1995 and Fox News didn't go on the air until 1996.
It's no wonder that Fox News has decided to do some pre-emptive ass covering in case someone decides to go postal at one of their teabagging ceremonies - not when you've got goons like Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) running around saying things like this about President Obama's proposed cap and trade system:
And really now in Washington, I'm a foreign correspondent in enemy lines. And I try to keep everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington. (...)
I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back. Thomas Jefferson told us, having a revolution every now and then is a good thing, and the people - we the people - are going to have to fight back hard if we're not going to lose our country.
Poor Michele - it must be tough living deep in the heart of enemy territory, a lone voice of resistance, terrified for the future of her country. And yet somehow she still can still summon up the courage to cash her government paycheck every month.
Last week Ms. Bachmann also revealed her fear that the Obama administration is creating "re-education camps for young people." According to The Hill:
"I believe that there is a very strong chance that we will see that young people will be put into mandatory service," Bachmann said on a Minnesota radio show Monday. "And the real concerns is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums."
Remember folks, unlike what you're reading right now, this isn't just some loon ranting on the Internet. This is a Republican member of Congress saying the government is the "enemy", that it is creating re-education camps, and that an armed revolution is needed to save America.
And Bachmann put the icing on the cake with an appearance on the radio last week during which she said, "We're still finding out what happened during that G20 summit. I think that there may have been agreements made behind closed doors that we aren't even aware of, that could be ceding American sovereignty." That's right - President Barry Barack Benedict Arnold Obama Soetoro is secretly giving away American sovereignty to furriners. Bachmann's evidence? Well, it seems she saw President Obama "bowing before the king of Saudi Arabia ... and then lying about it. It was shameful."
Which is rich coming from someone who once got King Abdullah's sloppy seconds.
Mmm... tastes like oil.
Gay marriage is legal in Iowa. The president of the United States is black. Yes folks, the Republican party is slowly running out of minorities to oppress - which must be why Texas State Rep. Betty Brown (R-Naturally) decided to go after Asian-Americans last week. According to the UK Telegraph:
The comments from Republican Rep Betty Brown came on Tuesday, when the state legislature heard testimony from a Chinese-American group on voting difficulties. Asian voters' names are often spelled differently on different documents.
"Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese," Mrs Brown said to a representative from the group, "do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?"
What a great idea! My wife is an American of Asian descent, and she has a name that people often find difficult to pronounce on their first attempt. If only I'd known that we could skip all the "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that...?" bullshit by simply suggesting, "Hey honey - why don't you change your damn name?"
In fact, this is such a great idea I think Betty Brown should spin it off into a whole campaign. I can see T-shirts, bumper stickers... we'll have an event at the Texas State Fairgrounds where everyone changes their name at the same time. It'll be just like one of those mass weddings by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon (or as I like to call him, Horace Johnson).
Ms. Brown could even enlist famous Asian celebrities to change their names to Betty Brown-approved Anglo versions, in order to encourage others to do the same.
This could really catch on!
The National Organization for Marriage
There is a storm gathering... the clouds are dark... and the winds are strong... and I am afraid. OH NOES HERE COMES TEH GAY!
Last week the so-called "National Organization for Marriage" spent $1.5 million on a new TV ad intended to "turn back the tide" of gay marriage, according to CBS News. (They should ask King Canute how that usually works out.)
A group called the National Organization for Marriage, which worked to overturn gay marriage in California, is out with a controversial new ad that suggests opponents of same-sex marriage are now being victimized for their beliefs.
"There's a storm gathering," one woman says as the spot opens. Says another woman: "I am afraid."
Later in the spot, a man says same-sex marriage advocates "want to bring the issue into my life." He is followed by a woman who says "my freedom will be taken away."
Another woman says same-sex marriage advocates "want to change the way I live." A teenage girl intones, "I will have no choice."
Pro-sanity advocates immediately took the ad apart.
"What's next for the National Organization for Marriage? Will they hire legendary infomercial pitchman Ron Popeil to hawk their phony agenda?" said Human Rights Campaign Spokesman Brad Luna. "This ad is full of outrageous falsehoods - and they don't even come out of the mouths of real people."
It's true - the people in the NOM ad are all actors, as proven by the leaked audition tapes which feature a whole host of "California doctors" and "Massachusetts parents," some of whom apparently have difficulty reading. Here's a link to the audition tapes - but don't be surprised if the video isn't there when you click. NOM has decided to take aggressive action to suppress the tapes and ordered YouTube to take them down. Fortunately people are re-uploading the video daily so if the link doesn't work just go to YouTube and search for "NOM auditions".
NOM's next trick was to launch a new initiative called "2 Million for Marriage" which they have conveniently shortened to 2M4M - leaving some to wonder whether the organization is actually a parody. Here's Urban Dictionary's definition of M4M:
Abbreviation for men seeking men in an online chat room.
I mean, really. And it turns out that NOM couldn't even be bothered to register the 2m4m domain name. Whoops!
Republicans decided early on that the best way to deal with Barack Obama's presidency was to oppose him at every turn and hope he failed. But it seems they overlooked one very important point that was vital to the success of their plan: What happens if Obama doesn't fail?
Unemployment is still on the rise and there remain many problems to overcome, but the Washington Post reported last week that "In brief remarks to reporters after a meeting with his economic advisers at the White House, Obama said there are signs of hope appearing amid the gloomy economic landscape."
President Obama said today that the nation's economy is showing signs of progress as a series of his policies begin to come on line, despite mounting unemployment and other problems that continue to plague the country.
In brief remarks to reporters after a meeting with his economic advisers at the White House, Obama said there are signs of hope appearing amid the gloomy economic landscape. "What you're starting to see is glimmers of hope across the economy," Obama said, adding that it is too soon to make any firm pronouncements.
Citing continuing problems in the labor market, which has seen unemployment rise to 8.5 percent as the economy has shed more than 3.3 million jobs over the past five months, Obama said, "We've still got a lot of work to do."
Still, he said, the signs of progress are unmistakable.
That rattling you hear in the distance is the sound of a million Republican knees knocking together. If Obama doesn't fail, what the hell are they going to do?
RNC chairman Michael Steele has the answer, and it's ingenious: Simply pretend that there was never an economic crisis in the first place!
According to Talking Points Memo:
Michael Steele is at it again -- this time denying that there's a severe economic crisis going on, while guest-hosting Bill Bennett's radio show, and laughing about it.
After a caller said he didn't see anybody spending less money than usual, Steele replied: "I've heard a number of people say that across the country. (LAUGHTER) The malls are just as packed on Saturday. (LAUGHTER)"
Brilliant! If it ain't broke, then Obama can't fix it.
Of course, TPM also points out that Michael Steele is talking out of his ass: according to a CNN report last week, "Strip malls, neighborhood centers and regional malls are losing stores at the fastest pace in at least a decade, as a spending slump forces retailers to trim down to stay afloat."
So yeah, there's still a lot of work to do. But don't worry. The GOP may not have a plan, or any ideas, or any intention to work with the Democrats to help America get out of this mess.
But you can rest assured that they're going to spend every waking moment working furiously to come up with some great spin that'll prevent them from looking like a bunch of unsympathetic, incompetent, obstructionist buffoons.
Best of luck, GOP. Your task may end up being even more difficult that Obama's.
The past couple of weeks have been a bit rough for Sarah Palin. (All together now: awwwwwww!)
First, her sister-in-law Diana Palin was arrested for burglary.
Diana Palin, 35, entered a home near Wasilla's Multi-Use Sports Complex and attempted to steal cash from the owner's bedroom, police said.
She also broke into the same house on Tuesday and stole $400, they said.
She was arrested Thursday morning on felony charges of first-degree burglary and misdemeanor charges of criminal trespass and theft, police said. Friday morning, she remained jailed at Mat-Su Pretrial Facility in Palmer in lieu of $10,000 bail and court-approved third party custodian.
Should make for an interesting Thanksgiving dinner this year!
But at least Diana Palin was only arrested for burglary. Someone who probably won't be getting an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner is Bristol Palin's ex-lover Levi Johnston, a.k.a. the man whom Sarah Palin did not notice was unsuitable for her daughter until after she'd hauled him across America, stuffed him into a suit, and paraded him on national television as the epitome of conservative family values.
Yes, Levi Johnston. The dude who wrote "fuckin' redneck" on his MySpace page, which turned out to be not just what he called himself, but also his favorite pastime. Johnston appeared on the Tyra Banks show last week and basically suggested that Sarah Palin couldn't possibly have been dumb enough to think that he wasn't boning her daughter.
The Alaska governor most likely was aware before her daughter, Bristol, became pregnant that the teenager and her hockey hunk boyfriend were having sex, Levi Johnston said in a bombshell new interview.
"I'm pretty sure she probably knew. Moms are pretty smart," said Johnston, 18...
Unfortunately for Levi, it turns out that Sarah Palin disagrees with his assessment of her smarts. Her spokesperson released a blistering statement which read in part, "We're disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship ... It is unfortunate that Levi finds it more appealing to exploit his previous relationship with Bristol than to contribute to the well-being of the child." Zing!
All of which makes one wonder... why exactly has the woman who almost ended up a heartbeat away from the presidency and could well run for the Republican nomination in 2012 decided to jump into a brutal daytime TV mudslinging contest with the teenage father of her grandson?
I guess it's a good job Sarah Palin doesn't already have a problem with being taken seriously, or this could be a real career-ender!
Wayne Anthony Ross
When she's not embroiled in tabloid grudge matches with 18-year-old kids, Sarah Palin also likes to run the state of Alaska. Recently she nominated a gentleman named Wayne Anthony Ross to be the next attorney general of the Last Frontier. Here's what Leah Burton, "a former citizen lobbyist who worked on behalf of families and children concerning child support, child custody, domestic violence, child abuse and sexual assault," had to say about Mr. Ross during citizen testimony on his nomination, according to the Mudflats blog:
She discusses a meeting of the group DADS, being run by Wayne Anthony Ross, and what she heard.
Numerous comments were made that were appalling, not the least of which were remarks by Mr. Ross which included the following; "If a guy can't rape his wife...who's he gonna rape?" and "There wouldn't be an issue with domestic violence if women would learn to keep their mouths shut."
Come to think of it, perhaps Gov. Palin should just stick to tabloid grudge matches.
He's been rapidly disintegrating since the election, and these days Sean Hannity is little more than a pile of froth with eyes. Last week he harumphed that President Obama was "blaming America first" - after taking a video of Obama saying this:
I know that there have been honest disagreements over policy, but we also know that there's something more that has crept into our relationship. In America, there's a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive. But in Europe, there is an anti-Americanism that is at once casual but can also be insidious. Instead of recognizing the good that America so often does in the world, there have been times where Europeans choose to blame America for much of what's bad. On both sides of the Atlantic, these attitudes have become all too common. They are not wise. They do not represent the truth."
And editing it to say this...
"In America, there's a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America's shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive."
"I think it says more about him that he didn't make the case, as you are articulating tonight, about the goodness and the greatness and the wonder of America, and he talked about America's arrogance," blustered Sean to his guest Mike Huckabee. Um, I guess - provided you don't count the bit Sean edited out, where Obama made the case about the goodness of America.
But let not such foolish things as "the facts" get in the way of a good news story. After presenting his evidence, Sean went on to claim that Obama was upholding the "liberal tradition of blame America first" and proceeded to give himself several tiny orgasms by saying, "Didn't we see all of this in the campaign? And as I was bringing up -- didn't Reverend Wright give us a little insight into his thought process? Didn't, you know, Michelle Obama -- America's a downright mean country? I know everyone's focusing on what fashion designer she's choosing, what shoes she's wearing, and what gifts they're giving the queen in their little visit over there. But I'm thinking, didn't we get some insight? When you sit on a board and give speeches with Bill Ayers -- didn't this -- do you think he harbors deep resentment that he just hides? Because I believe he does."
Sean went on to speculate that "Mr. Obama" was "doing his best Dixie Chicks impression."
Okay, so let me get this straight. If I recall correctly the Dixie Chicks didn't get into trouble because they said they hated America, they got into trouble because during a concert in London, lead singer Natalie Maines said she was "ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas." For this transgression they were blacklisted and boycotted.
Sean Hannity, meanwhile, deliberately edits a video of the president of the United States to make it seem like he's saying something he's not, then uses it to imply that the president hates America.
For this he is rewarded with a nightly show on Fox News.
The Bush Administration
Even when they're gone, they're not really gone. Think Progress reported last week that "roughly 20 Bush administration all-stars - including Condoleezza Rice, Karen Hughes, and Dan Bartlett - are getting together next week for their first Bush administration reunion." I suspect it would be a lot of fun to be a fly on the wall at that gathering - not to eavesdrop on the conversation, but to wallow in the sweet aroma of fresh horseshit.
Apparently they'll be having dinner with the president and holding "a brainstorming session for the George W. Bush Policy Institute." Here's an artist's impression of what that might look like:
One notable no-show wil be Dick Cheney, who apparently has better things to do than hang around with the clowns who were constantly getting in his way while he was trying to run the country.
And finally, President Obama visited Iraq last week - his first such visit as Commander-in-Chief - where he received an enthusiastic welcome from the troops.
Not so keen on Obama's appearance were the folks over at FreeRepublic.com, who, oddly enough, decided to take out their ire on the troops. Here's a sampling of their comments...
"Look closely at the photograph. Do you see any lean, mean infantry soldiers? No. This puff piece by an appropriately named reporterette doesn't seem to note the absence of any real fighters. Back in the day, these people were called REMFs."
"REMFS? Recently enlisted minorities and femmes? If not, please spill!"
"Rear Echelon Mother F$$!!s"
"Yeah, these folks rarely wander outside the wire. They get hot showers, hot meals, and a mattress and pillow. They don't smell like real sojers."
"A Forward Operating Base (FOB) is just as it sounds. A FOBBIT is someone that never leaves the FOB (same as a REMF). Think of HOBBITS on a magical tour in Lord of the Onion Rings at the chow hall."
"They are actually fat."
All of which has given me an idea for a Free Republic bumper sticker:
I think that just about sums it up.
The Top 10 will return on April 27 - see you then!
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