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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
 The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 364 May 11, 2009 Party Poop Edition The GOP (1,2) is in trouble, and the Wingnuts (3) are disintegrating, but it's okay because Rush Limbaugh (4) is living large. Elsewhere, Michael Savage (8) boycotts the British, and the folks at Pajamas TV (9) try their hand at comedy. Don't forget the key!  The GOP   The ongoing national tragedy otherwise known as the Republican Party continued to unravel last week as news broke that, "Less than a quarter of all voters call themselves Republicans, a number that has dropped precipitously over the past six years," according to The Hill. And with the GOP's own polls showing that Americans view them as a bunch of drooling incompetents - even on issues such as taxes - it's no wonder that conservative luminaries like Joe The Plumber are bolting from the ranks. Big Government is never popular in theory, but the disaster aid, school lunches and prescription drugs that make up Big Government have become wildly popular in practice, especially now that so many people are hurting. Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, tells TIME he's so outraged by GOP overspending, he's quitting the party - and he's the bull's-eye of its target audience. So what's a party to do? Fortunately there's an easy way out of this mess - it's rebranding time! Coming soon to a battleground state near you: a new effort to revive the image of the Republican Party and to counter President Obama's characterization of Republicans as "the party of 'no.'" CNN has learned that the new initiative, called the National Council for a New America, will be announced Thursday. It will involve an outreach by an interesting mix of GOP officials, ranging from 2008 Republican presidential nominee John McCain to Jeb Bush, the former Florida governor and the younger brother of the man many Republicans blame for the party's battered brand: former President George W. Bush. I see... so just six months after voters rejected the tired old policies of McCain and Bush and turned out overwhelmingly to vote in favor of a new America, the GOP is offering a "new America" run by some dudes called McCain and Bush. Brilliant. But just in case the National Council for a New America falls on its ass, other top Republicans are jumping aboard the rebrandwagon. Take former RNC chief Ed Gillespie, for example, who is now in charge of a new organization called "Resurgent Republic." Sounds a bit like Free Republic, with extra retching. A news release says: "Resurgent Republic will promote market-oriented policies, lower taxes and economic growth, and strong national security policies." Aha! So it's a whole new direction for the Republican Party then!  The GOP, Part 2  Wondering how all this rebranding is going down with the base? It turns out that Joe The Plumber's recent hissyfit is not an anomaly. According to Politico: Social conservatives are blasting the National Council for a New America, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor's (R-Va.) nascent effort to rebrand the Republican Party, as a misguided and weak-kneed initiative that is out of touch with the GOP rank and file. The council, unveiled last week by Cantor and Sen. John McCain, is designed to be a "forward-looking, grass-roots caucus" that formulates policy prescriptions and communicates with voters in a way that could expand the Republican ranks. In announcing the formation of the group, McCain said he hoped the group would attract moderates and "like-minded Democrats" to a series of public forums around the country. But social conservatives couldn't help but notice that the policy areas the group will focus on included no mention of same-sex marriage, immigration or abortion. And the roster of GOP luminaries who signed on to the effort was missing a few of the pols who are most popular with values voters. Indeed, Mike Huckabee - who was not invited to join the National Council for a New America - announced that it was a "sad day" when "we think it is necessary to form a 'listening group' to find out what Americans think we should be fighting for." Duh, I mean, whoever heard of politicians listening to the voters? Why on earth would you want to do that? But don't take my word for it - Rush Limbaugh agreed with Mike Huckabee last week, and that pretty much spelled the end of the whole "listening" thing. According to the Huffington Post: Rep. Eric Cantor led a much-publicized GOP listening tour this past weekend -- or so we all thought. "What we're trying to do here today is kick off a series of town hall forums so that we can get back to listening to the people," Cantor told CNN on Sunday morning as he kicked off the rebranding effort. "Listening to people can make a difference," declared Mitt Romney while sitting on stage with Cantor during the first event. "That's what we're talking about here, we're listening to people." (snip) But then Rush Limbaugh spoke up. "We do not need a listening tour," the conservative radio king made clear on Monday. "We need a teaching tour. That is what the Republican Party, or, slash, the conservative movement needs to focus on. Listening tour ain't it." And so it was on Wednesday morning, when Eric Cantor appeared on MSNBC's Morning Joe, that he cleared the matter up. "You know, Joe, really, this is not a listening tour." So to recap: the Republican rebranding effort is brought to you by the names Bush and McCain, with polical strategy directed by Rush Limbaugh. Hilarious.  Wingnuts  At this point you may be wondering why the Republican Party needs to rebrand itself - after all, they do have some really great ideas and solutions to help solve America's problems. Let me give you an example. Last week President Obama and Vice-President Biden stopped off for lunch at a local burger joint not far from the White House. But during this apparently harmless photo-op an incident occurred that was so shocking, so unexpected, that THANK GOD we still have the right-wing in this country to keep us safe from the terrible mistake we made at the ballot box last November. Just read this transcript of the president's food order and you'll understand the depths of our latest national shame. OBAMA: I'm going to have a - just your basic Cheddar cheeseburger, medium well. I just want mustard, no ketchup. If you've got like a spicy mustard or something like that, or a Dijon mustard, something like that." Can you believe it? Conservative talk show hosts erupted in outrage - according to Media Matters: Following President Obama's May 5 visit to Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington, Virginia, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Rush Limbaugh Show guest host Mark Steyn criticized Obama as an elitist because he ordered a burger with "spicy mustard" or "Dijon mustard." Hannity claimed that Obama ordered a "fancy burger" with a "very special condiment," while Steyn asserted Obama is trying "to enlighten us" through his order. Ingraham asked of Obama: "What kind of man orders a cheeseburger without ketchup but Dijon mustard? ... The guy orders a cheeseburger without ketchup? What is that?" Impeachment now! I just hope somebody lets these guys know that they've officially become un-American:  And these guys, from whom you can buy dijon mustard by the gallon! For shame!  OMG THE COMPANY'S NAME IS FRENCH'S!!!!! IS ANYBODY ELSE CONNECTING THE DOTS HERE?????!!!!11111  Michael Steele You have to feel sorry for Michael Steele - after all, he's the head of the Republican National Committee right now, and therefore he should probably be in charge of any GOP rebranding effort. But no. And poor Michael isn't just out of the loop - now they're threatening to take away his control of the RNC's purse strings. According to Talking Points Memo: The Washington Times reports that Michael Steele is facing a new threat to his leadership of the Republican National Committee -- a proposed rule being circulated by some RNC members that would impose new restrictions and oversight measures against Steele's ability to spend money. Ouch. But Michael is not backing down. The man who would shout "stuff it" to his critics guest-hosted a radio show last week - here he is talking about President Obama's theory that the next Supreme Court justice should be able to empathize with the average American. "Good morning y'all, we're back in the house. We're talking a little bit of Constitution and a little bit Supreme Court. And a whole lot of saving America's judicial system and saving our rights as citizens and not having empathetic judges decide cases, but rather judges who are actually understanding the rule of law and what the Constitution and those laws are all about. And how to apply the facts to the law and the law to the facts. And adjudicate my case. I don't need some judge sitting up there feeling bad for my opponent because of their life circumstances or their condition. And short changing me and my opportunity to get fair treatment under the law. Crazy nonsense empathetic. I'll give you empathy. Empathize right on your behind. Craziness." Er, craziness indeed.  Rush Limbaugh   Speaking of empathy: Who's looking out for the little guy? Why, Rush Limbaugh of course! Just listen to his radio show for five minutes and you'll hear all about the doom and destruction about to be visited upon you by the liberal powers that be. Rush is the only man who can save you! And if you believe that, you must be a dittohead. Last week Rush Limbaugh was caught on tape giving a speech to fat-cat right-wing millionaires - and what he had to say ain't pretty. LIMBAUGH: But during all this growth I haven't lost any audience. I've never had financially a down year. There's supposedly a recession, but we've got - what is this May? Back in February we already had 102% of 2008 overbooked for 2009. (applause) So I always believed that if we’re going to have a recession, just don't participate. (laughter) Well isn't that nice. As Think Progress points out, Limbaugh's employer Clear Channel Communications - with whom he has a $400 million contract - has had to lay off almost 3,000 employees since the beginning of the year. It's a shame those folks couldn't choose to not participate in the recession. Oh well. At least Rush Limbaugh is still stinking rich!  Neal Horsley You may recall famed militant anti-choicer Neal Horsley from his appearance way back in Idiots 198, after he confessed his lust for farm animals to Alan Colmes. Well now Neal is running for governor of Georgia (on the Creator's Rights Party ticket), and he had plenty more to say in a recent interview. According to Dylan Otto Krider: In part I of our interview, he talked of sex with a mule. In part II, he emphatically stated he was willing to kill his own son, if need be, to secede, and that people's lives were "almost irrelevant" when compared to the effort to glorify God. Er, okay - but who cares what this crazy guy thinks? Well as it happens, Neal is currently riding high on RebuildTheParty.com, a website put together by a "group of under-40 Republican operatives and bloggers (who) are joining forces to implore the party to improve its use of the Internet and technology," according to Politico. "Fight to Elect Neal Horsley" is currently the 8th ranked suggestion for how best to rebuild the conservative movement. But I think Neal can do better! So why not head over to RebuildTheParty.com and cast your vote for the mule-shagging filicidal maniac. The future of the Republican Party lies in your hands!  Joe The Plumber   Why is Joe The Plumber really leaving the Republican Party? Is he truly fed up with their big spending ways? Or is he just jealous that his popularity has been overtaken by that of Neal The Animal Rapist? Actually neither of the above is correct. It seems that Joe The Plumber is leaving the GOP so he can spend more time keeping gays away from his children. According to the Associated Press: Samuel Wurzelbacher, the Ohio man hailed as "Joe the Plumber" by Republican John McCain's presidential campaign last year, said he believes gays are "queer" and said he won't allow them near his children. Nevertheless, Wurzelbacher said the decision about whether to allow same-sex couples to marry should be left to states. "People don't understand the dictionary - it's called queer," Wurzelbacher told Christianity Today in an interview published this week. "Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do - what man and woman are for." Joe The Plumber lecturing folks on the use of the dictionary? Whatever next! Can an honorary doctorate from Regent University be far behind? Since Joe is so keen on reading the dictionary, maybe he should look up the word "plumber." Apparently it means "a person who installs and repairs piping, fixtures, appliances, and appurtenances in connection with the water supply, drainage systems, etc., both in and out of buildings." Does any of that ring a bell, Joe? No? Perhaps you should also look up "contemptible" and "indolent" while you're at it.  Michael Savage  Last week the British Home Office revealed the names of 16 people who have been banned from entering the UK. The list includes insane Baptist preacher Fred Phelps, along with "Hamas MP Yunis Al-Astal, Jewish extremist Mike Guzovsky, former Ku Klux Klan grand wizard Stephen Donald Black and neo-Nazi Erich Gliebe," according to the Independent. Also on the list is radio talk show host Michael Savage, who broadcasts on 350 stations in the U.S. "This is someone who has fallen into the category of fomenting hatred, of such extreme views and expressing them in such a way that it is actually likely to cause inter-community tension or even violence if that person were allowed into the country," (Home Secretary Jacqui) Smith told BBC Breakfast. Savage was understandably pissed. "I'm a patriotic American, and if that's a crime in England, God help us all," he said. He's got a point. I mean, what kind of authoritarian asshole would ban people they don't like from entering the country? On the November 27 (2006) edition of his nationally syndicated radio show, Michael Savage declared that in order to "save the United States," lawmakers should institute "an outright ban on Muslim immigration" into the country. Savage also recommended making "the construction of mosques illegal in America, and the speaking of English only in the streets of the United States the law." (snip) As Media Matters for America has extensively documented, Savage has previously described Arabs as "non-humans" and "racist, fascist bigots," advocated "kill(ing) 100 million" Muslims, and claimed that there is no difference between "radical Islam and the rest of Islam over there." But never mind that - it turns out Mr. Savage is striking back. According to the Independent: He's also calling on listeners to cancel their summer holidays in the UK and boycott goods such as "Jaguar" and the "pint". That's right - Michael Savage is calling for his listeners to boycott a unit of measurement. As for getting his listeners to avoid visiting the UK, I guess that might work. At least, it would if most of them weren't too already too scared to leave their barricaded basements.  Pajamas TV Hey, remember when the conservative blogging group Pajamas Media sent Joe The Plumber to Israel? (See Idiots 355 and 358.) Well apparently flying D-list celebrities halfway around the world and watching them stumble about pretending to have a clue is no longer part of Pajamas Media's business model. Presumably they're finding the recession as difficult to deal with as everyone else (except Rush Limbaugh), because last week they resorted to an old standby guaranteed to grab some eyeballs on the cheap - the Internet viral video. And what a video it is. I particularly enjoyed the very first joke, where an actor playing Barack Obama drove a cartoon bus over a picture of Obama's beloved, recently-deceased grandmother, causing her to explode. So classy! Unfortunately the casting leaves a little to be desired. Check out the bald, mutton-chopped, goateed, beer-gutted actor they got to play President Obama:    One can only imagine the discussion that took place at the production meeting. PAJAMAS TV PRODUCER #1: And here's the guy that's going to play Obama. PAJAMAS TV PRODUCER #2: Wow, he looks just like him!  The Best Of The Rest     Oh Al Gore, why are you so smart? So-called journalist Laurie Kellman covered Gore's House testimony on global warming for the Associated Press last week, and wrote: "I have read all 648 pages of this bill," Gore bragged, a boast that would surprise no one who caught his teacher's-pet performance in the 2000 presidential race. "It took me two transcontinental flights on United Airlines to finish it." Jeez, what was she expecting? "I haven't read any of this bill," said Gore, "even though I should have because I'm testifying about it, and I had plenty of time because I've just done two transcontinental flights. I was simply too busy playing Super Mario Brothers on the seatback entertainment system. What can I say. Go suck a lemon." Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) had some harsh words for Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-also KY) last week, telling reporters, "Do you realize that under the dynamic leadership of our leader, we have gone from 55 and probably to 40 (Senate seats) in two election cycles, and if the tea leaves that I read are correct, we will wind up with about 36 after this election cycle." You know, I had not realized that! Thanks for pointing it out. On the House floor recently Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) speculated that Matthew Shepard was killed in a robbery and not murdered because he was gay. She went on to call the crime a "hoax." Days later and in the wake of much outrage, Foxx sent a letter to Shepard's mother apologizing "for saying anthing that offended her." I'm sorry, I don't have a joke here or anything. She's just disgusting. Thanks to an affirmative action story that really lit his fuse Pat Buchanan exploded on Hardball last week, insisting that "what is happening now to white men right now is exactly what was done to black folks for years." Pat Buchanan: still a racist. We haven't had one of these for a while, but here it is: Oakland (MI) County Commissioner Kim Capello (R-Obviously) was caught with his pants down last week. I mean, he was literally charged with indecent exposure. Apparently Kim was discovered at 2AM on a public street, naked, fondling a woman who was a) twenty years his junior and b) not his wife. The woman was also naked, and they were both piss drunk. Sometimes this column just writes itself. And finally, there was bad news for George W. Bush last week - according to the Huffington Post, "A new Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll found that former President Bush's popularity has dropped since he left office." That's from 31 percent positive to 26 percent positive. Meanwhile FiveThirtyEight.com discusses a fascinating study of how people vote based on who was president when they turned 18 years old. FiveThirtyEight's verdict? "Bush May Haunt Republicans for Generations." And with that I'll leave you to enjoy the rest of your day.  The Top 10 will be back in two weeks, on May 25th. See you then! -- EarlG |
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