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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
 The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 373 September 21, 2009 The Amazing Racism Edition This week we conclusively prove that racism is a thing of the past in 21st Century America as Teabaggers (2,3) invade Washington DC, Roy Blunt (6) tells a funny story about a monkey, and Rush Limbaugh (7) goes pro-segregation. Don't forget the key!  Joe Wilson   Ladies and gentlemen, meet Rep. "Hero" Joe Wilson (R-SC), the New Face Of The Republican Party.  Hero Joe used to work for segregationist Strom Thurmond. In 2003, after it was revealed that Thurmond had conceived an illegitimate daughter with his black maid sometime in the 1930s, Joe attacked the daughter and accused her of smearing the senator's good name, despite the fact that she was nice enough to wait until after his death to bring it up. Hero Joe is also a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, an organization dedicated to the memory of secessionists who tried and failed to destroy the United States of America in the mid-19th Century. In 2000, Hero Joe was one of just seven members of the South Carolina Senate to vote to keep the Confederate flag flying atop the state house. "The Confederate heritage is very honorable," he told the BBC in 1999. So why is Hero Joe the New Face Of The Republican Party? Simple - two weeks ago, in a fit of impotent rage, he screamed "YOU LIE" at President Obama during a nationally televised address to Congress.  Look at those bulging eyes! Hero Joe subsequently apologized to the President - or at least, he apologized to Rahm Emanuel by phone and "at the request of GOP leaders" according to Politico - and the President graciously accepted his weak-ass apology. But he refused to apologize to the House of Representatives for violating its rules of conduct, which earned him an official rebuke from the House. Despite all that, believe me when I say that Hero Joe is contrite. He's very, very contrite. So contrite that he was recently spotted autographing photographs of himself screaming at the President. Of course, while signing autographs might be fun, it's not very profitable. For that you need... Rep. Joe Wilson released a combative fundraising video on Thursday asking supporters for donations, saying his outburst during President Obama's health care address was "wrong," but that he "will not be muzzled." "The supporters of the government takeover of health care and the liberals who want to give health care to illegals are using my opposition as an excuse to distract from the critical questions being raised about this poorly conceived plan," Wilson said in the video. "I will not be muzzled. I will speak up loudly against this risky plan." Oh yes, I forgot to mention that Wilson's bizarre outburst was prompted by President Obama's (true) claim that health care reform will not insure illegal immigrants. Never mind the fact that in 2003, Hero Joe voted for the Medicare Prescription Drug, Improvement and Modernization Act, which, according to the Huffington Post, authorized "$250 million annually between 2003 and 2008 for government reimbursements to hospitals who provide treatment for uninsured illegal immigrants." So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen - the New Face Of The Republican Party. A white, southern, hypocritical neo-Confederate who is prone to making a fool of himself in public, attempts to profit from misconduct, and refuses to take personal responsibility for his actions. Why do I get the feeling that the New Face Of The Republican Party isn't that different to the Old Face Of The Republican Party?  Teabaggers  Last week the Teabaggers' great National Teabagathon took place in Washington DC. Crowd size estimates range from 30,000 by the DC Park Police to up to 2 million by the Fox Propaganda Network and some mentally unstable conservative bloggers. So desperate were the wingnuts to prove that their event was the greatest thing since sliced liberal, they tried to claim that the thousands of people at the other end of the mall celebrating Black Family Reunion were part of the teabag rally (not unlike how the Freepers once claimed that 50,000 people attended their "support the troops" rally in Los Angeles because the rally happened to coincide with the L.A. marathon). Once that was pointed out, the teabaggers stooped to simply using photographs of different events to claim that the crowd numbered in the millions. But I think the whole thing has been blown way out of proportion. Because you see, I was in DC that day, and I have conclusive photographic proof that...  ...there was nobody there at all! What a scam!  Teabaggers (Part Two)  What were all those teabaggers doing in DC anyway? It can't have been to protest excessive government spending. If it was, they surely would have marched to protest George W. Bush's unfunded $1.3 trillion tax cuts for the rich. Or they would at least have marched to protest the war in Iraq, now estimated to cost $3 trillion. (Funnily enough, when I marched in DC to protest the war in Iraq the only teabaggers I saw were standing on the other side of the barricades calling everyone un-American.) So why were they really there? Let me think for a moment.  Hmm...  I wonder...  What could it be?  Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue...  You know, I just can't quite put my finger on it.  Kevin Brady  To be clear, it wasn't all smooth sailing at the 9/12 Teabagathon. According to The Plum Line: Soon after the 9/12 march, (GOP Rep. Kevin) Brady released a letter he sent to D.C. Metro griping that it had failed to transport tea partiers to the protest. Brady said they "were frustrated and disappointed that our nation's capitol" failed to "provide a basic level of transit for them." Brady's office complained about a train shortage. "METRO did not prepare for Tea Party March!" he tweeted. "People couldn't get on, missed start of march. I will demand answers." Now that is just shameful. Wait, what's this? But earlier this year, Brady voted against the stimulus package. It provided millions upon millions of dollars for all manner of improvements to ... the D.C. Metro. Whining that government-funded transportation did an inadequate job getting you to your anti-government protest is dumb enough, but whining about government-funded transportation after you personally voted against funding it? I don't think there is even a name for that level of stupid.  Michael Duvall  This past weekend marked the Family Research Council's Values Voters Summit in Washington DC. Not in attendance was California Republican assemblyman and family values champion Michael Duvall, who resigned his post last week. According to the New York Times: A Republican state lawmaker from Yorba Linda has resigned after he was caught on tape bragging about having sex with a female lobbyist and another woman. The assemblyman, Michael Duvall, 54, made the comments to another lawmaker during a break in a committee hearing at the Capitol over the summer, and they were caught on a microphone at his desk. The Los Angeles television station KCAL reported that the two women were both married and that one of them represented an energy business with interests before a committee where he was vice chairman. According to the Los Angeles Times: "So I am getting into spanking her," Duvall told his colleague, Jeff Miller of Corona, while the two sat on the dais during a break at a hearing in Sacramento. They did not know the microphone was on. "Yeah, I like it. ... She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah, that's 'cause you're such a bad girl.'" Now let's head back to the New York Times for the punchline: Mr. Duvall, who is married and has two children, received a 100 percent rating from Capitol Resource Institute, a conservative advocacy group, for his votes on legislation considered pro-family during the 2007-8 legislative session. Actually I just had a look at the Values Voters Summit website and given that their speakers include Gary Bauer (alleged adulterer), Bill Bennett (gambling addict), and Bill O'Reilly (falafel master), I think Michael Duvall would fit right in.  Roy Blunt One man who did appear at the Values Voters summit - former House Whip Rep. Roy Blunt (R-Naturally), who is running for Senate in Missouri - had a really hilarious tale to tell. According to Salon, the story was about "a group of British soldiers who found themselves posted in a quiet part of India in the late 19th century or the early 20th century." Seems there wasn't much for these soldiers to do, so they built a golf course. I'll let Roy Blunt take it from here... Almost from the day the first ball was hit on this golf course something happened they didn't anticipate: monkeys would come running out of the jungle and then grab the golf balls. And if it was in the fairway, they might throw it in the rough. And if it was in the rough, they might throw it -- they might throw it back at you! And I can point to great and long detail about how many things they tried to eliminate the monkey problem, but they never got it done. So finally for this golf course and this golf course only, they passed a rule and the rule was, you have to play the ball where the monkey throws it. And that is the rule in Washington all the time. No, I don't get it either. But the Values Voters crowd almost busted a gut with laughter so I guess it must be funny!  Rush Limbaugh For some crazy reason, former president Jimmy Carter gave two separate interviews last week in which he noted that "racism is an issue for President Obama in trying to lead the country." According to CNN: "When a radical fringe element of demonstrators and others begin to attack the president of the United States as an animal or as a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler or when they wave signs in the air that said we should have buried Obama with Kennedy, those kinds of things are beyond the bounds," the Democrat who served from 1977-1981 told students at Emory University. "I think people who are guilty of that kind of personal attack against Obama have been influenced to a major degree by a belief that he should not be president because he happens to be African American. "It's a racist attitude, and my hope is and my expectation is that in the future both Democratic leaders and Republican leaders will take the initiative in condemning that kind of unprecedented attack on the president of the United States," Carter said. Is the man mad? As we've seen over and over again this week, racism is a thing of the past in 21st Century America! Rush Limbaugh was justifiably outraged by President Carter's accusations, and responded thusly: In a remark extraordinary even by the standards of conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh, the right-wing radio heavyweight declared on his program Wednesday that the United States needed to return to racially segregated buses. Referring to an incident in which a white student was beaten by black students on a bus, Limbaugh said: "I think the guy's wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that's the lesson we're being taught here today. Kid shouldn't have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses - it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama's America." Yes, no racism to see here. Move along.  Orly Taitz  There was bad news for the Birther movement last week when Birthnut-in-Chief Orly Taitz was publicly humiliated by a District Court judge. According to the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer: U.S. District Court Judge Clay Land tossed out on Wednesday a complaint by an Army captain fighting deployment to Iraq by questioning the legitimacy of President Barack Obama. Land also put attorney Orly Taitz, who represents Capt. Connie Rhodes and is a leader in the national "birther" movement, on notice by stating that she could face sanctions if she ever again files in his court a similar "frivolous" lawsuit - a document that at one point the judge states that a middle school student could find irony in. "(Rhodes) has presented no credible evidence and has made no reliable factual allegations to support her unsubstantiated, conclusory allegations and conjecture that President Obama is ineligible to serve as president of the United States," Land states in his order. "Instead, she uses her complaint as a platform for spouting political rhetoric, such as her claims that the president is 'an illegal usurper, an unlawful pretender, (and) an unqualified imposter.'" (snip) "Unlike in 'Alice in Wonderland,' simply saying something is so does not make it so," Land says. So what did Taitz do next? Duh - according to Salon: Instead, she filed an angry motion asking Land to reconsider his decision and stay Rhodes' deployment. Apparently unaware of that old saying about catching more flies with honey than with vinegar ... Taitz essentially accused the judge of committing treason. And, referring to the U.S. District Court on which Land serves, she wrote, "there is increasing evidence that the United States District Courts in the 11th Circuit are subject to political pressure, external control, and, mostly (sic) likely, subservience to the same illegitimate chain of command which Plaintiff has previously protested in this case, except that the de facto President is not even nominally the Commander-in-Chief of the Article III Judiciary." For some reason, Land wasn't especially happy about this. In an order issued Friday, Land denied Taitz's request and announced that he was considering making good on his threat of sanctions. He ordered the attorney-slash-dentist "to show cause why the Court should not impose a monetary penalty of $10,000.00 upon Plaintiff's counsel for her misconduct," and gave her 14 days to do so. Whoops. Meanwhile: ... in response to Taitz's comments to TPM calling the judge corrupt and suggesting he should be tried for treason, a fellow member of the California bar has filed a formal complaint against Taitz. "I respectfully request that you investigate Ms. Taitz's conduct and impose an appropriate sanction. She is an embarrassment to the profession," writes Subodh Chandra, who practices in Ohio and is also an inactive member of the California bar. Next stop disbarment? We can only hope.  Michelle Bachmann Last week the ever-bizarre Michelle Bachmann made another spectacle of herself on the House floor, this time over something Barack Obama said almost a year and a half ago. During the presidential campaign Obama said, "We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times ... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK." As Steven Benen of the Atlantic Monthly notes, "The comment, made 16 months ago, was obviously about over-consumption and America's role in the world." But let that not stop Michelle Bachmann from spinning Obama's words into something more sinister. According to Talking Points Memo: "President Obama said we can't eat as much food as we want and think the rest of the world will be okay about that -- as if that matters to freedom-loving Americans," said Bachmann. "Well, we just heard last week that the Federal Government now under the Obama administration is calling for a re-ordering of America's food supply. What's that going to mean? Now will the White House decide how many calories we consume, or what types of food we consume?" Yes, of course they will Michelle. Obama's food inspectors will soon be in every home in the country, scouring through your cupboards, tossing out newly-illegal boxes of Twinkies and bottles of soda and replacing them with tofu and soy milk. Oh wait... no they won't you fucking cretin.  George W. Bush And The GOP    And finally, you may have noticed recently that a lot of wingnuts have been screaming "I want my country back!" to whomever will listen. And you may be under the assumption that they're saying this because they're completely and utterly terrified of a non-white president. But if we've learned one thing from this week's list, it's that racism is no longer an issue in 21st Century America. No, the wingnuts are upset because they truly want things to go back to the way they were when Our Great Leader George W. Bush was president and Republicans were in charge of the House and the Senate. Remember those halcyon days? Just in case you don't, the Census Bureau released a report last week on "income, poverty and access to health care," according to Marc Ambinder, which shows the great strides this country made over the past eight years. While Bush was in office, the median household income declined, poverty increased, childhood poverty increased even more, and the number of Americans without health insurance spiked. Oh. Well, at least it can't have been as bad as when that murdering rapist Bill Clinton was in office, right? Under Clinton, the median income increased 14 per cent. Under Bush it declined 4.2 per cent. Under Clinton the total number of Americans in poverty declined 16.9 per cent; under Bush it increased 26.1 per cent. Under Clinton the number of children in poverty declined 24.2 per cent; under Bush it increased by 21.4 per cent. Under Clinton, the number of Americans without health insurance, remained essentially even (down six-tenths of one per cent); under Bush it increased by 20.6 per cent. So you can see why the wingnuts are so terrified of black Nazi Muslim socialist President Hitler and his commie agenda. Why, if he gets his way, things might get better for America. And that would never do! The Top 10 will return in two weeks, on Monday October 5. See you then... -- EarlG |
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