The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 375

October 19, 2009
Hangin' With The Taliban Edition

This week the Hate America First Crowd (1) kicks it up a notch, Michael Steele (3) is living dangerously, and Neil Cavuto (6) explains the economy. Don't forget the key!



The Hate America First Crowd

Two weeks ago, in Idiots 374, the Hate America First Crowd made it to number one on the list after celebrating and cheering when it was revealed that America would not host the 2016 Olympics. "For those of you ... who are upset that I sound gleeful, I am. I don't deny it. I'm happy," said Rush Limbaugh. "Please, please let me break this news to you. It's so sweet," said Glenn Beck.

Well this week the Hate America First Crowd is back, thanks to the announcement on October 9 that President Obama had won the Nobel Peace Prize for his outreach to the Muslim world and his efforts to avoid restarting the Cold War (which would be in full swing right now under President John McCain).


While various world leaders and other Peace Prize winners were quick to congratulate Obama, one or two Republicans offered some words of warning to their pals on the right. For example:


So... how did that work out?






Phew, good job they were careful to make sure their comments didn't sound like right-wing whining. So to recap... Olympics not held in America: Hooray! American president wins Nobel Peace Prize: Booo!

Of course the knee-jerk Hate American First reaction by the right-wing wasn't entirely unexpected. Perhaps more disturbing was the negative reaction by many in the mainstream media, who despite supposedly being in charge of reporting the news, reacted as if they were completely oblivious to the utter disdain with which the rest of the world viewed America while George W. Bush was president.

Here's one quick example of the positive benefits to America of the Obama administration's outreach and international leadership:


But to be fair, I guess the MSM has far more important things to concern themselves with right now.




Rush Limbaugh

After Rush's last attempt to break into the world of professional football ended in calamity (he resigned from his broadcasting job at ESPN after suggesting that Donovan McNabb is overrated because he's black) you'd think that the man with the golden microphone would shy away from the gridiron. But when you've got $400,000,000 burning a hole in your pocket, what better way to say "No it's not your imagination, I really am this rich" than to own an NFL team?

And so it was that last week Rush Limbaugh announced his intention to purchase the St. Louis Rams as part of a consortium of buyers. "It's a dream to own part or all of a National Football League team," he'd said back in July.

I must say, it was a real shame Rush had to watch that dream explode and crash to the ground in flames last week.

Maybe it was the opposition from the head of the players union that derailed Limbaugh's bid. Maybe it was the players themselves who said they would refuse to play for a "flat out racist." Or maybe it was Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay saying "I myself couldn't be in favor of voting for him." Or the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's opinion that "divisive comments are not what the NFL is all about."

Probably not though - I mean, all Rush said was that Donovan McNabb is an affirmative action quarterback. Okay, he did also say in 2007, "The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips," but that was, um, just a term of endearment. No, I think we all know who is really responsible here...


Ah yes, of course. Don't worry though - the dittoheads have got Rush's back. Check out tsquare over at RedState.com:


Really? You're all thrice-married pill-popping corpulent racist draft dodgers?

That explains a lot.



Michael Steele

The reigning RNC champion Michael Steele appeared on Fox News last week to discuss health care reform. Apparently Steele wants us all to get in the room and have a Rodney King moment followed by a common sense bottom up approach. Whatever that means.

But never mind the fact that Steele spent the first part of the interview talking about bipartisanship and the last part of the interview bragging about how he's doing everything he can to obstruct reform - the big moment came when the interviewer suggested that the "health care train has left the station with the president at the wheel and Republicans better jump on board." Quick as a flash, Steele's lightning wit exploded across the screen. "Well I'm the cow on the tracks," he declared.

Congratulations Michael! That analogy is so stupid, even the Fox News anchor felt moved to point out that a 1,300 pound cow is "not much of a match" for a 1.5 million pound train.

Just to clarify:


I wonder which one will come out on top?

Later in the week Michael Steele presided over the relaunch of GOP.com which was, by all accounts, a disaster. Actually, it was a real shame that the site kept crashing every five minutes because it meant most people didn't get a chance to witness Steele's new blog, which was called - and I'm not joking - "What Up?"

Apparently the answer to the question posed by the title of his blog was "Not much," because the next day the blog had been renamed to "Change the Game." The single entry so far asks the pressing question "Why are you a Republican?" which has generated some pretty amusing responses such as, "What is Michael Steele and the GOP going to do to prevent another debacle like our last Presidential election, where a loser candidate was chosen by out-of-state liberals voting in Republican primaries?" and, "I took part in the March on DC 9/12, it was the greatest day of my life," and, "Michael? Did you read the emails I sent to you as Chair of the GOP? Did you?"

This is my current favorite:


Oh Michael Steele, will you ever not fail?



Liz Cheney and Bill Kristol

Look out! Liz "Spawn Of Darth" Cheney is teaming up with Bill "I've Never Been Right About Anything" Kristol to form a new organization called "Keep America Safe." Oh great. Now I feel so much safer.

Last week the group released a web video which, according to ABC News, "attacks the president's policies on missile defense and the CIA interrogation probe, and mocks him for not making a faster decision on strategies in Afghanistan." Because apparently what we need to Keep America Safe is a president who goes with his gut, shoots from the hip, and asks questions later. Now why does that sound familar?

Of course the group comes complete with all the usual up-is-down black-is-white reality-bending nonsense that the neo-cons love to dabble in. For example:


Hmm, bashing the president for taking a vacation are we? Okay, I'll play.

1) Which president was on vacation when he ignored a briefing entitled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside United States" a month before 9/11?

I'll give you a clue: it was this guy.


2) Which president decided not to interrupt his vacation when Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast?

I'll give you a clue: it was this guy.


3) Which president made 149 trips to Camp David and spent all or part of 487 days there? I'll give you a clue: it was this guy.


4) Which president spent an additional 490 days hanging out on a ranch in Texas? I'll give you a clue: it was this guy.


5) Which president broke the all-time record for most days on vacation - with three and a half years left to go in his second term? I'll give you a clue: it was this guy.


Final bonus question: which president would Liz Cheney and Bill Kristol like to cover in honey and lick clean?

No clues this time.



Neil Cavuto

Earlier this year conservatives repeatedly asserted that the stock market collapse was all Barack Obama's fault. (Some even managed to blame Obama for the economic mess before he was inaugurated.)

So, now that the Dow has climbed 3,500 points and last week topped 10,000 again, what do our friends on the right have to say for themselves?


Ah, of course.



Robert Lowry

You almost have to feel a bit sorry for the GOP these days - its public image is in the gutter thanks to the teabaggers and wingnut radio hosts that are steering the party.

It's a good job then that the Republican Party has a whole slew of fresh new up-and-coming candidates ready to run in 2010, whose class and judgment are sure to win over the voters.


Uh... ya think?



Keith Bardwell

Speaking of extremist nutjobs, here's a story from last week that almost defies belief. Let's meet Louisiana justice of the peace Keith Bardwell as he takes us all the way back to the 1950s.


Thank goodness someone is looking out for hapless multiracial children who are doomed to failure from birth.


But to be fair, there is a reasonable explanation for all this. "I'm not a racist," said Bardwell. "I just don't believe in mixing the races that way." Oh, well that's okay then. He completed the list of racist cliches by adding, "I have piles and piles of black friends."

Uh-huh. Stacked in the basement?



Orly Taitz

In Idiots 373 I noted that Birther-In-Chief Orly Taitz had been threatened with a $10,000 fine by a federal judge who was sick of her batshit lawsuits. Well there was some bad news for Orly last week - Judge Clay Land did indeed slap her with a fine... for $20,000. Ouch!

According to Talking Points Memo:


Jail it is then!



Conservapedia

You know how fundamentalist Christians believe that the Bible is the inerrant word of God? Well it turns out that God made one or two minor blunders. But don't worry - it's nothing the wingnuts can't fix.

The good people over at Conservapedia (which is just like Wikipedia except facts are replaced with bullshit, see Idiots 281) have started the "Conservative Bible Project," an effort by conservative ideologues to remake the Bible in their own image. They write:


Jesus wept. Or did he? Let's face it, a real man like Jesus probably wouldn't have displayed such girly emotions. Let's change it to "Jesus hopped from one foot to the other firing his six-guns in the air and hollering 'Yee-haw!' (John 11:35)"

Conservapedia goes on to note ten guidelines which a "fully conservative translation" must satisfy, including "not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity" and "preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities."

As Rod Dreher at Beliefnet.com points out, "how are you going to abide by the conservative mandate to avoid 'dumbing down' Holy Writ while at the same time avoiding big words liberals use?"

Good question Rod. Is the answer "By going insane?"



Team Sarah

And finally, despite her plummeting approval ratings, Sarah Palin's biggest fans are determined to make sure she remains a player in Washington. Take Team Sarah for example, a group of citizens "dedicated to advancing the values that Sarah Palin represents in the political process." Let's pause for a moment while that sentence sends little chills up and down your spine.

I would tell you more about Team Sarah but the whole thing is awfully secretive - I clicked on the link which said "Want to learn more about Team Sarah? Go to About Us," and ended up at a password protected page. Membership is "by approval only" and I don't think I'd meet their standards. But something pretty big must be going on behind the scenes there - why else do they need all the security precautions?

Actually, it turns out that becoming a member of Team Sarah isn't that difficult, and what's going on behind the scenes may not be as earth-shaking as you think. The Political Carnival reported last week that one of their "spies" had forwarded a call to action sent out to Team Sarah's members. It read in part:


What a great plan! It's a bit of a shame that Monday October 12 was a federal holiday and therefore nobody was around to see the Capitol switchboard lighting up, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

The Top 10 will be back in two weeks, on Monday November 2. See you then!

--EarlG