The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 376
November 2, 2009
Traitor Joe's Edition
This week Joe Lieberman (1,2) spits on his colleagues yet again. Elsewhere, The GOP (3) is eating itself, George W. Bush (7) entertains Canada, and Liz Cheney (8) has more trouble with the truth. Don't forget the key!
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No... it's LIEBERMAN!
Straighter than a speeding bullet! As personable as a locomotive! It's LIEBERMAN!
This week's episode: Crisis In Metropolis
Downtown Metropolis. The evil Lex Boehner and his shadowy organization known only as "The G.O.P." have planted a giant bomb inside Ellworth Memorial Hospital which could explode at any moment.
PANICKED ONLOOKER: If that thing goes off we're all gonna die!
SCREAMING WOMAN: Help! Help! Won't somebody do something?
The crowd looks skyward as an elderly man in a red cape descends from the heavens. LIEBERMAN has arrived!
LIEBERMAN: Stand aside, I'll save you!
INCREDULOUS MAN: (pointing) Thank goodness! Lieberman is here!
Lieberman inspects the inside of the hospital with his x-ray vision.
LIEBERMAN: Okay folks, here's the situation. There's a giant bomb inside the hospital, and if it goes off we're all going to die. Or rather, you're all going to die because I'm indestructible. Here's the bad news - I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.
TEENAGE BOY: Can't you freeze the detonator with your ice breath, thus rendering the bomb inoperable?
BUSINESSWOMAN: Can't you fly the bomb into orbit where it will explode harmlessly in the cold vacuum of space?
LIEBERMAN: Whoa, whoa, slow down everyone. Let's not try to do too much at once. Look, I'll be honest. It's not that I can't do anything, I'm just saying that in the long run you'll all be better off if I don't defuse the bomb.
PANICKED ONLOOKER: "In the long run?" Are you out of your mind?
LIEBERMAN: Here's an idea - why don't we all take a deep breath and come back in, say, three or four years, and then maybe try to disarm the bomb if it hasn't, you know, sorted itself out already.
SCREAMING WOMAN: My god! That thing could explode at any second!
LIEBERMAN: Well, yes, but I think you'll find that actually trying to defuse the bomb at this point would be more dangerous than not doing anything at all. It's an awfully big bomb. Probably best not to mess with it.
INCREDULOUS MAN: But... but... you're Lieberman. Didn't you tell us that taking care of this sort of thing was your speciality?
LIEBERMAN: Er, no I don't think so.
TEENAGE BOY: (fiddles with iPhone) Yeah, look, I've got the quote right here: "I'm saying to the people of Metropolis, I can do more for you and your families to get something done to get rid of giant bombs, stop people from planting giant bombs, and make sure that Metropolis remains 100% bomb-free from now on."
BUISNESSWOMAN: Also, we couldn't help but notice that you've been using your superpowers to help Lex Boehner plant bombs just like this one all over Metropolis.
LIEBERMAN: That's ridiculous! I'm on your side. Lex Boehner is an evil man and I will do everything in my power to stop him! Now, as I was saying...
The bomb explodes, leveling the hospital and killing everyone within a three block radius. As the smoke clears Lieberman remains standing, unscathed, amidst the wreckage.
LIEBERMAN: (shaking his fists at the sky) Oh the humanity! How can I have allowed this to happen?
Lieberman flies directly to Lex Boehner's headquarters and smashes through the roof, landing in a conference room where the criminal mastermind is holding a meeting with his G.O.P. henchmen and dozens of members of the bomb-making industry.
LIEBERMAN: Hold it right there everyone! I'm here to put an end to your little game!
He picks up a large sack marked "swag."
LIEBERMAN: Just kidding. Same time next week, boys?
He opens the sack and tosses a few bundles of cash onto the conference room table.
LIEBERMAN: Here, buy yourselves a new roof.
You may recall that last year, Joe "Independent Democrat" Lieberman demonstrated his "independence" by campaigning for Republican presidential candidate John McCain, "touring the country on McCain's campaign plane and speaking on his behalf at the GOP convention in September," according to the Seattle Times. What a douchebag.
But even after all that, once President Obama crushed McCain at the polls it was time to make nice.
This is the beginning of a new chapter, and I know that my colleagues in the Senate Democratic Caucus were moved not only by the kind words that Senator Reid said about my longtime record, but by the appeal from President-elect Obama himself that the nation now unite to confront our very serious problems," Lieberman said after the vote.
Anger toward Lieberman seems to have softened since Election Day, and Democrats didn't want to drive him from the Democratic caucus by taking away his chairmanship and send the wrong signals as Obama takes office on a pledge to unite the country.
So how has Joe repaid his colleagues for not kicking his traitorous ass out of the caucus and not stripping him of his Homeland Security Committee chairmanship? How is he working to "unite to confront our very serious problems?"
Well, aside from last week threatening to support the Republican minority's filibuster and prevent health care reform from getting an up-or-down vote in the Senate, he also announced that:
"I probably will support some Republican candidates for Congress or Senate in the election in 2010. I'm going to call them as I see them," Lieberman said in an ABC News "Subway Series" interview aboard the U.S. Capitol Subway System.
What a surprise. Just curious Joe, has any candidate that you've backed ever actually won anything?
Still, much as Lieberman may irk us liberals with his flip-flopping Republican-endorsing ways, it could be a lot worse - at least we're not ripping ourselves apart like the GOP.
In case you haven't heard, there's a special election about to take place in New York's 23rd District which is turning out to be a real hoot regardless of the result. It was a three-way race between Republican candidate Dede Scozzafava, Democratic candidate Bill Owens, and Doug Hoffman, who is running on the Conservative Party ticket - except Scozzafava suspended her campaign last week after her poll numbers cratered and prominent Republicans flocked to endorse Hoffman.
NY-23 has been a staunchly Republican district for a long time, but locals were not at all happy with Scozzafava, the party's official candidate. According to Politico on October 8:
"She's not even a moderate. She is a radical, ultraleftist who has an 'R' next to her name," said Marjorie Dannenfelser, chairwoman of Susan B. Anthony List, an organization that backs female candidates who oppose abortion and has endorsed Hoffman. "If we elect this woman, we're going to be stuck with her for a very long time."
"The conservative coalition is deeply demoralized by this move," said Dannenfelser. "Why shouldn't we be working against (the NRCC) when they are working to undermine us on the issues?"
And so it was that Doug Hoffman stepped into the race on the Conservative Party ticket. Trouble is, while the NRCC dumped plenty of cash into Scozzafava's doomed campaign, support for Doug Hoffman strengthened thanks in no small measure to the help and support of top Republicans like Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, and Fred Thompson.
Not all top Republicans are on board, however. Mitt Romney chickened out of making an endorsement, while Newt Gingrich endorsed Scozzafava early saying "The special election for the 23rd Congressional District is an important test leading up to the mid-term 2010 elections. Our best chance to put responsible and principled leaders in Washington starts here, with Dede Scozzafava."
And two weeks later she was out of the race.
All of this nonsense means that Democrat Bill Owens is now in with a chance of capturing the seat. Which would be bad enough for the GOP - but if Doug Hoffman pulls it off, things could really go downhill fast.
Having lost their battle to prove that Barack Obama is actually black Nazi Muslim socialist President Hitler, the conservative base has apparently begun to take out its not inconsiderable rage on its creator - the Republican Party - and that surely doesn't bode well for the 2010 mid-terms. If Hoffman wins the special election this week - or even if he comes close to winning - conservative activists may become emboldened to run extremist primary candidates against Republicans who don't meet their, um, exacting standards - or worse, run a slate of far-right third-party candidates next year which could be a disaster for the GOP in Republican-held districts.
Fortunately though, Michael Steele - who as the head of the RNC originally endorsed Scozzafava - has taken all of this in his stride.
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said Friday that a victory by Doug Hoffman, the third-party candidate in the Nov. 3 New York special election, is a win for the GOP.
The actual Republican nominee, Dede Scozzafava, trails Hoffman, the Conservative Party nominee, and Democrat Bill Owens by double-digits according to a recent poll. But Steele argued during an interview with POLITICO that the GOP doesn’t need to worry about Scozzafava's lagging ratings because Hoffman is essentially a Republican.
"You've got two Republicans running in that race. My upside is that one of them will likely win," Steele said. "We want to be supporting the one that wins."
That's the spirit Michael! Hey, here's an idea - why don't you run two candidates in every congressional district next year? By outnumbering Democratic candidates two to one, you'll have twice the chance of picking up seats!
David Keene and John Ziegler
Yes, it seems that arch-wingnuttery is all the rage right now, so let's meet the new face of the conservative movement as represented by activists David Keene and John Ziegler. What are these two doing to unite the base and bring the radical right into the mainstream? Think Progress explains:
This weekend, David Keene, chairman of the American Conservative Union, was confronted by conservative activist and filmmaker John Ziegler over his criticisms of Sarah Palin. Earlier this year, Keene had said Palin spent too much time "whining" about the national media's criticisms of her, was too "resentful" of the McCain camp, and appeared to be "bitter."
Ziegler attended the Western Conservative Political Action Conference in California this weekend, where he sat down for a scheduled interview with Keene. Ziegler began by telling Keene that his criticisms of Palin "sound like Keith Olbermann." Keene stood by his views, arguing that Palin's decision to quit as governor has shown she cannot "handle leadership and responsibility."
The interview grew heated as Ziegler began lobbing personal attacks at Keene, facetiously suggesting he was "being paid" to issue critical statements of Palin.
KEENE: You are a liar! ... (grabbing the microphone) I said this is over! You got it? Over! ... Get out of my face! ... I'm not going to hit you, but I'd like to. ... I'm not answering anything to you because you're a jerk. ... You're a scumbag. ... You're an asshole. Got that on the air? Asshole.
The organizers of CPAC tried to kick Ziegler out, even calling the cops to escort him at one point. Grabbing a public microphone, Ziegler told the CPAC audience, "David Keene is a sell-out," again pointing to Keene's criticisms of Palin.
My mistake, that isn't the face of the new conservative movement - it's the buttcrack.
It's not really much of a surprise that conservative activists have turned their fire on the GOP and each other, since their efforts to take down health care reform have failed in pretty epic fashion. In August it seemed as if they were everywhere - hammering away at cowering lawmakers during raucous town hall meetings, waving guns around outside presidential events, even somehow managing to organize the largest protest in the history of protests when literally ten thousand bajillion angry fat white people descended on Washington DC to protest the outrageous government spending that they'd somehow managed to completely overlook for the past eight years.
Unfortunately it all turned out to be a case of premature teabagulation. Last week Nancy Pelosi and her Democratic colleagues appeared on the Capitol Lawn to reveal the final version of the House's health care bill, where, according to Talking Points Memo:
It certainly wasn't the "flash mob" organizers were hoping for, but a small but determined group of Tea Party Patriots gathered on the Capitol Lawn this morning to protest the announcement of a final House health care reform bill.
TPMDC counted about 10 Tea Partiers holding signs denouncing a "government takeover" of health care and looking with disdain as House Democrats gathered on the Capitol Steps.
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Ten teabaggers?
Joann Abbott, a grandmother from Northern Virginia, made the drive to the protest this morning after seeing the email sent by Tea Party leaders last night. When asked if she was part of the "flash mob," she laughed. "I'm here on my own," she said, looking around at the scattered protesters around her. "If this is organized, we suck."
Hey Joann, it you're wondering where the rest of your pals are, they're in New York destroying the Republican Party.
Focus On The Family
Did you know that Focus On The Family funds abortions? According to Time magazine it does - "if you hold the organization to the same standard it uses to insist that health reform would result in publicly funded abortions."
Time notes that Focus On The Family's opposition to health care reform is based on the idea that...
...if any insurance plan that covers abortion is allowed to participate in a public exchange, then premiums paid to that plan in the form of taxpayer-funded subsidies help support that abortion coverage even if individual abortion procedures are paid for out of a separate pool of privately-paid premium dollars.
Which, let's face it, is not exactly a winning message. Hey Joe Sixpack, did you know that if an insurance plan that covers abortion is allowed to participate in a public exchange, then premiums paid to that plan in the form of taxpayer-funded subsidies help support that abortion coverage even if individual abortion procedures are paid for out of a separate pool of privately-paid premium dollars? Not exactly "Death Panels," is it.
But aside from the general uselessness of Focus On The Family's strategy, there's one other major flaw in their argument...
As it happens, Focus on the Family provides its employees health insurance through Principal, an insurance company that covers "abortion services." A Focus spokeswoman confirmed the fact that the organization pays premiums to Principal, but declined to comment on whether that amounts to an indirect funding of abortion.
Even if the specific plan Focus uses for its employees doesn't include abortion coverage - and I'm assuming it doesn't - the organization and its employees still pay premiums to a company that funds abortions. If health reform proposals have a fungibility problem, then Focus does as well. And if they don't think they do have a fungibility problem, then it would be interesting to hear why they think the set-up proposed in health reform legislation is so untenable.
Well, it might be interesting. Or it might just be really annoying.
George W. Bush
Our Great Ex-Leader was north of the border last week, doing a bit of motivational speakering up in Canada. Things went pretty much about as you would expect.
While Bush's speech was mostly eloquent and free of the language gaffes he admits he is famous for, he said he regretted appearing in front of a "Mission Impossible" sign during a televised address in 2003.
Ah yes, I remember it like it was yesterday...
Last week President Obama visitied Dover Air Force Base "to honor 18 Americans killed in Afghanistan," according to the Washington Post.
Wearing a suit and a topcoat, Obama was greeted by the airlift wing commander before getting into car for the short drive to a base chapel, where he met with family members of the deceased.
Afterward, the president took part in the military's precise, solemn transfer of the cases holding the bodies of the fallen from the plane to the vehicles that would transport them to a base mortuary.
Four times, Obama marched up the ramp of the transport plane and bore witness as Maj. Richard S. Bach, an Air Force chaplain, offered a prayer over the remains. Afterward, he joined other officials, including Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr., standing at attention and saluting.
What an un-American asshole!
"I think that what President Bush used to do is do it without the cameras," sniffed Liz Cheney on John Gibson's radio show later that day. "And I don't understand sort of showing up with the White House Press Pool with photographers and asking family members if you can take pictures. That's really hard for me to get my head around... It was a surprising way for the president to choose to do this."
Where oh where to begin.
First of all, despite what Liz Cheney and Rush Limbaugh would have you believe, George W. Bush never once visited Dover Air Force Base, with or without cameras.
Second, when George W. Bush did visit wounded soldiers at other locations, he frequently had cameras in tow.
Finally, here's a picture of a previous president visiting Dover Air Force Base.
Oh look, the press is there! But of course that was Ronald Reagan so it's okay. He probably could have lifted the lid off one of the caskets and taken a piss and Liz Cheney would have given him a round of applause.
If you're wondering why Liz Cheney is such a liar, consider the source. Last week it was finally revealed that "Former Vice President Dick Cheney denied in an interview with a special prosecutor investigating the C.I.A. leak case that he had played any role in the disclosure of the identity of Valerie Wilson as an intelligence officer," according to the New York Times.
Some of the assertions by Mr. Cheney in his interview with the prosecutor on May 8, 2004, appeared to conflict with testimony at the 2007 trial of his chief of staff, I. Lewis Libby Jr., who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice and whose sentence was later commuted by President George W. Bush.
Mr. Cheney, who agreed to be interviewed by prosecutors after long negotiations, said he had played no role in sharing an intelligence report with a reporter to bolster the administration's claim that Saddam Hussein had tried to obtain uranium for a nuclear weapons program. Mr. Cheney said in the interview that "no one ever told him of a desire to share key judgments" of the classified document.
But Mr. Libby, the vice president's chief of staff at the time, gave a sharply different account of Mr. Cheney’s behavior in July 2003. Mr. Libby offered a detailed account of Mr. Cheney's role in authorizing the intelligence report to be shared on July 8 with Judith Miller, then a reporter for The New York Times.
He testified under oath in March 2004 that Mr. Cheney had thought it was "very important" to get out the information in the report that Mr. Hussein had tried to acquire uranium, saying "the vice president instructed me to go talk to Judy Miller to lay this out for her."
In other news, last week Cheney tried to shore up his daughter's lame talking points from a couple of weeks ago (see Idiots 375) by announcing that President Obama needs to stop "dithering" on Afghanistan. Thanks, Dick! But since you're the last person in the world to whom anyone should be listening regarding life-or-death foreign policy decisions, I hope you don't mind if we file those words of wisdom in the garbage disposal.
And finally, South Carolina has been in the news quite a bit lately, what with Rep. Joe "You Lie" Wilson unable to contain his rage (see Idiots 373), not to mention Gov. Mark Sanford's naked hike along the coastline of Buenos Aires (see Idiots 367).
But the fun doesn't stop there. Last week, former Republican legislator Roland Corning was caught... well, I'll let Columbia's WIS10 News explain:
A former South Carolina legislator has been fired from the state attorney general's office after authorities say he was discovered in a cemetery with a teenage stripper during his lunch break.
Oh dear. But surely there must be a reasonable explanation for this uncomfortable situation.
Corning and the woman gave police conflicting statements as to why they were at the cemetery and the nature of their relationship, the report said.
Fair enough, I guess this is just a case of he-said-she-said. Nothing more to see here, move along!
Police also found Viagra and sex toys that Corning said were there "just in case."
Okay that does look a little suspicious.
The Top 10 will return in two weeks, on November 16. See you then!
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