The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 378
December 7, 2009
Two For The Price Of One Edition
I must admit that I feel a little guilty this week. You see, this is going to be the last Top 10 Conservative Idiots of 2009. I'm taking my fourteen-month-old son to meet the British side of his family for the first time this Christmas, and I'm not going to have time to put together another edition before I go (the next list isn't due until December 21, and I'm heading out that weekend). So I feel bad about leaving you all without a Top 10 until January 11, 2010.
The good news is that as I was going through the candidates for this week's list I realized that somehow I had way too many Sarah Palin stories (it seems our national joke has an awfully long punchline) and so this week I've decided to do double duty. Please enjoy your regular Idiots list, along with ten Bonus Palins. Don't forget the key!
It seems that the GOP is starting to choke on all that teabagging. Two weeks ago top Republicans released a "purity resolution" for GOP candidates, which, according to the New York Times, lists:
...10 positions Republican candidates should support to demonstrate that they "espouse conservative principles and public policies" that are in opposition to "Obama's socialist agenda." According to the resolution, any Republican candidate who broke with the party on three or more of these issues - in votes cast, public statements made or answering a questionnaire - would be penalized by being denied party funds or the party endorsement.
The proposal is called "Reagan's Unity Principle for Support of Candidates." And here are the GOP's new Ten Commandments:
(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;
(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run health care;
(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;
(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;
(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;
(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;
(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;
(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;
(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and
(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership.
Funny thing though... while the proposal is called "Reagan's Unity Principle for Support of Candidates," John Nichols of The Nation lists ten ways that Reagan fails the purity test, and notes that:
... no reasonable person can suggest that Ronald Reagan would have met the eight out ten test the RNC right-wingers seek to apply - especially on hot-button issues such as gun control, gay rights and immigration.
So way to go, GOP teabaggers. You just drummed Ronald Reagan out of the Republican Party.
Sarah Palin is on a book tour, and say what you want about her, but it takes some guts to travel across country by bus. It's certainly not the glamorous mode of transport you'd expect to be employed by someone of Palin's celebrity - you'd think she'd be swanning around in a private jet, living in the lap of luxury while her staff dawdles along 20,000 feet below. But not our Sarah! She prefers to travel like Ordinary Joe Sixpack and his Real American friends.
An aide to Sarah Palin downplayed reports Tuesday about the former Alaska governor's use of a private jet during certain legs of a national bus tour to promote her memoir, "Going Rogue."
While it's not unusual for political figures to fly from state to state before hopping on a bus to head to events, Palin is taking heat for using a private jet for some of her travels, with one report claiming that the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee flew in style while leaving her staff behind to ride the bus during long journeys.
Orrin Hatch, what are you smoking? Last week the senior senator from Utah spent an hour on the Senate floor whining about the Democrats' "arrogance of power."
SEN. HATCH: This will become one more example of the arrogance of power being exerted since the Democrats secured a 60-vote majority in the United States Senate and took over the House and the White House. I dream some day of having the Republicans have 60 votes. Iíll tell you one thing, I think we would finally have the total responsibility to get this country under control and I believe we would. But we never come close to that.
Sen. Hatch seems to have forgotten that the GOP controlled the House, Senate and White House from January 2003 to January 2007, so let's remind him of a few of the great legislative accomplishments his party gave us during those years.
Federal spending is outstripping economic growth at a rate unseen in more than half a century, provoking some conservatives to complain that government under Republican control has gotten too big.
The federal government is currently spending 20.8 cents of every $1 the economy generates, up from 18.5 cents in 2001, White House budget documents show. That's the most rapid growth during one administration since Franklin Roosevelt.
There are no signs that the trend is about to turn around. The House Budget Committee last week rejected a proposal that would require spending hikes to be offset by cuts in other spending or by tax increases.
Oh, but if only the Republicans had 60 seats in the Senate. Then they could get this country under control.
Apparently flying around in that private jet has gone to Sarah's head.
She's no longer the chief executive of Alaska, but Sarah Palin should still be called "governor." And in English only, please.
That was the message sent out by officials at the Mall of America this week, who told reporters planning to cover the Minneapolis-area stop on Palin's "Going Rogue" book tour they must address the 2008 GOP vice presidential candidate by her former title. The guidelines also banned foreign reporters, allowing "only English speaking press."
Next thing you know she'll be asking for herring in sour cream and M&M's with all the brown ones taken out.
The ever-informative Sean Hannity was at the top of his game last week as he reported multiple times that 2009 is "one of the coldest years on record." So much for global warming!
"You can also look it up, this is one of the coldest years in history, this past year," he said on his radio show on November 24. "...this is the coldest year on record ... or one of them," he insisted on November 18. "This is one of the coldest years on record, ladies and gentlemen," he announced on Fox News on November 10.
Wow, that is shocking! And... completely false. According to Media Matters:
National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration: 2009 year-to-date global temperatures tied as fifth warmest January-through-October period.
NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies: 2009 year-to-date global surface temperature ranks fifth warmest out of 130 years.
The Met Office: 2009 will be one of top five warmest years globally.
But come on, who are you going to believe? NOAA, GISS, and the Met Office, or Sean Hannity?
I rest my case.
Imagine for a moment that you are a senior adviser to a prominent politician, a well-known national figure with a loyal following. This politician has an image problem and you need to fix it. She's developed a reputation for failing to finish what she starts, and she has been dubbed a "quitter." Her star is fading, and your job is to get her back on track.
Now imagine tearing out chunks of your own hair after learning that...
Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was in Indiana yesterday for a book-signing at a Borders store. One thousand lucky fans with wristbands to meet Palin stood in the rain all day waiting for her to arrive. However, Palin quit the event before she had the chance to sign all the books, leaving 100 supporters out in the cold.
Choice quotes from the soggy Palinites included, "She could have at least apologized, and she didn't even do that," and, "My books are going back to Borders tomorrow," and let's not forget, "We gave up our entire workday, stayed in the cold. My kids were crying."
Don't miss the video of angry wingnuts mobbing the Going Rogue Express chanting "sign our boobs." (Possibly "sign our books" - the audio isn't clear.)
Sometimes you just have to love Fox News.
Imagine once again that you are a senior adviser to Sarah Palin. You gave her a good talking to about the book-signing debacle, and she is now under STRICT INSTRUCTIONS to avoid doing ANYTHING that might even HINT of quitting.
Now imagine repeatedly bashing your skull against a wall after learning that...
Sarah Palin signed copies of her book, hugged fans, and took pictures with a cheering crowd as she prepared for a benefit race during her Thanksgiving visit to Washington state.
The former Republican vice-presidential candidate is spending the holiday with relatives in Richland, Wash., before resuming her nationwide book tour over the weekend.
She participated in a 5K race to benefit the Red Cross on Thursday morning, surrounded by a crowd of cheering fans. She didn't finish the race, opting to leave early to avoid more crowds, said Kennewick police Officer Michelle Pitts.
DUMBASS BIRTHER #1: Okay, I've got the copy done for our new ad questioning Barack Obama's eligibility to be president. Now we just need an illustration to go with it.
DUMBASS BIRTHER #2: How about some chimpanzees?
DUMBASS BIRTHER #1: Perfect!
Yes, the Birthers may be down, but they're not out - as demonstrated by this delightful full-page ad that ran in the Washington Times last week. This time the Birthers' argument is that President Obama is actually a British citizen. According to Think Progress:
The hardly intelligible ad copy claims that under a 60-year-old British law, President Obama is a citizen of Britain and "is currently also a British protected person and/or a British citizen to this day."
The evidence for their claims? Of course they don't need any actual evidence. Not to mention the fact that their theory creates an inconvenient loophole in U.S. law...
The Center for American Progress' Ian Millhiser points out that if this rule were actually applied to the presidency, every foreign nation would have the power to remove the President of the United States simply by granting the president citizenship.
Imagine that you are a senior adviser to Sarah Palin, currently recovering in hospital after accidentally tripping and falling head-first into the wall of your office multiple times. You've sent Sarah a series of VERY STERN emails insisting that she clear all public appearances with you first, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should she speak to the media until you've had a chance to do some damage control.
Now imagine stabbing yourself to death with your soup spoon after learning that...
Speaking to the conservative talker Rusty Humphries today, Sarah Palin left the door open to speculation about President Obama's birth certificate.
"Would you make the birth certificate an issue if you ran?" she was asked.
"I think the public rightfully is still making it an issue. I don't have a problem with that. I don't know if I would have to bother to make it an issue, because I think that members of the electorate still want answers," she replied.
"Do you think it's a fair question to be looking at?" Humphries persisted.
"I think it's a fair question, just like I think past association and past voting records -- all of that is fair game," Palin said. "The McCain-Palin campaign didn't do a good enough job in that area."
An Unknown Lafayette County Teabagger
In late September a mysterious billboard appeared in Lafayette County, Missouri, which received some attention for, well, its utter batshit craziness:
Aieee! Black Nazi Muslim President Hitler is coming to get you!
Anyway, the billboard is now gone, but it's been replaced by another one which is even more ridiculous.
Democracy? Pah! It's shootin' time! Remind me again why the terrorists hate us for our freedoms?
Last week it was revealed that Sarah Palin has attached herself to one of America's fastest-growing sports: bowling. Smart move - it's a well known fact that kids are spending fewer and fewer hours at their game consoles as they rediscover the joys of the local bowling alley.
That's why Sarah is giving the keynote address at next year's International Bowl Expo. After all, governing a state is a lot like bowling - you need a strong arm, a steady aim, and great big balls (laugher and applause).
And as we all know, it's very important to be a good bowler. Barack Obama was ridiculed for weeks about his lack of bowling skills, and where is he now huh?
The Salvation Army and Friends
It may seem unbecoming to bash a charity, but it's not as if the Salvation Army is a stranger to the Top 10 (see Idiots 27 and 47). This time around they're not discriminating against gays while lobbying on behalf of George W. Bush's faith-based initiative, or covering up for pedophiles - no, this time they've moved on to stealing Christmas presents from small children.
They don't claim to know who's been naughty or nice, but some Houston charities are asking whether children are in the country legally before giving them toys.
The Salvation Army and a charity affiliated with the Houston Fire Department are among those that consider immigration status, asking for birth certificates or Social Security cards for the children.
That's right. No birth certificate or Social Security card? No Christmas for you, bucko.
Of course the charities want you to know that this is not intended to punish the children. "It's not our desire to turn anyone down," said Lorugene Young of Outreach Program Inc. "Those kids are not responsible if they are here illegally. It is the parents' responsibility."
Right... and what better way to punish the parents than by making their kids cry? Merry Christmas everyone!
The International Bowl Expo isn't the only big convention Sarah will be attending in the near future. Yes, the National Tea Party Convention has just announced that she will be the keynote speaker at their 2010 gathering. After all, governing a state is a lot like teabagging - you need a strong arm, a steady aim, and great big balls (laugher and applause).
Also appearing at the National Tea Party Convention: Michele Bachmann, who, according to the Huffington Post, "will join ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin at the convention for the 'purpose of networking and supporting the movements' multiple organizations principle goals.'"
Sounds great, assuming of course that the meeting of these two minds doesn't rip a hole in the space-time continuum and destroy the universe.
I wouldn't worry too much though, Palin will probably pull a Palin and cancel at the last minute.
It's been a rough couple of weeks for Glenn Beck. Last week his new movie "The Christmas Sweater - A Return To Redemption" turned out to be the mother of all flops, selling a mere 17 tickets in New York.
But that wasn't the worst of it. According to the Huffington Post:
Earlier in the week (Sarah) Palin said that she was open to the idea of pairing up with Beck. Palin told Fox News she "got a kick" out of the idea of them running together. She went on cheerfully, "He probably thought it was just a hoot too. I don't know, we'll see."
BECK: I don't think things are hoots. I don't. I don't think it's a hoot. I would never use the word hoot, and I respectfully ask that every time my name is brought up she would stop using the word 'hoot.' ... No, no I'm just saying - Beck/Palin, I'll consider. But Palin/Beck - can you imagine, can you imagine what an administration with the two of us would be like? What? Come on! She'd be yapping or something, and I'd say, "I'm sorry, why am I hearing your voice? I'm not in the kitchen."
Meanwhile, the New York Times recently reported that Beck "wants to go beyond broadcasting his opinions and start rallying his political base - formerly known as his audience - to take action."
In an interview, he said he would promote voter registration drives and sponsor a series of seven conventions across the country featuring what he described as libertarian speakers.
Mr. Beck provided few details about his plans for the tour, making it unclear if he truly intends to prod his audience of millions into political action or merely burnish his media brand ahead of a book release.
Mr. Beck did say the conventions would resemble educational seminars, and he emphasized that while candidates may align themselves with the values and principles that he espouses, he would not take the next step to endorse them.
Hmm, now which set of purity rules are conservative candidates going to follow? The GOP's Ten Commandments, or Glenn Beck's 9 Principles and 12 Values? This is so confusing.
Anyway, those attending Glenn Beck's re-education camps are sure to get a boost. The Times also noted that:
Pundits have used their media stages to encourage political action before, but people like Mr. Beck and Mr. Hannity are taking on outsize roles now, political experts and conservative commentators say. One reason, they say, is the weakened state of the Republican Party.
The media figures' roles may exacerbate the ideological feuds that are already roiling the party. For the diffuse tea party movement that taps into anti-government sentiments, "the media guys are the closest things we even have to a leader," said Adam Brandon, the vice president for communications at FreedomWorks, a conservative advocacy group.
To which I can only say: three cheers!
And now excuse me while I sneak in a plug.
Going Rouge: The Sarah Palin Rogue Coloring & Activity Book is on sale now - and a portion of the proceeds go to support DU!
Going Rouge, by DU members Micheal Stinson (Symbolman) and Julie Sigwart (Demobabe) has been featured in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Entertainment Weekly, and on The Today Show. It makes a great holiday gift - and if you click here to purchase it, you'll get a copy signed by the authors!
Okay, plug over. Back to work.
Lou Dobbs for president?
A radio interviewer on WTOP joked Monday about the "crazy" idea that the former CNN host could mount a White House bid in 2012 - but Dobbs wasn't laughing. "What's so crazy about that?" he responded in the interview broadcast on the Washington, D.C. station.
"Well, I'll tell you this much: it's one of the discussions that we're having," Dobbs said. "For the first time, I'm actually listening to some people about politics."
Dobbs, who amicably parted ways with the network earlier this month, also told former Sen. Fred Thompson that he was definitely weighing a run.
Egad, the anti-immigration folks must be in heaven! President Lou Dobbs? Imagine how high that wall on the Mexican border is going to be.
But not so fast... it seems Lou has realized that constantly banging on about the brown threat may work wonders for your career in talk radio, but it's not so useful when you actually need the brown threat to turn out and vote for you.
Former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs, pondering a future in politics, is trying to wipe away his image as an enemy of Latino immigrants by positioning himself as a champion of that fast-growing ethnic bloc.
In a little-noticed interview Friday, Mr. Dobbs told Spanish-language network Telemundo he now supports a plan to legalize millions of undocumented workers, a stance he long lambasted as an unfair "amnesty."
"Whatever you have thought of me in the past, I can tell you right now that I am one of your greatest friends and I mean for us to work together," he said in a live interview with Telemundo's Maria Celeste.
Well, that's a refreshing change. Unfortunately for Lou, his attempt to pivot from "angry guy on TV who hates Hispanics" to "friendly populist who just wants us all to get along" isn't sitting too well with the very people who wanted him to run for president in the first place.
According to AlterNet:
Illegal-immigrant lover Lou Dobbs is no longer intolerant enough for the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC, a group that used to think it'd be so awesome if Dobbs were President that they raised $660,000 in pledges to fund his run for office. ALIPAC is mad because the former CNN anchor said he endorsed legalizing undocumented immigrants -- a policy he's previously trashed as "shamnesty" -- in an interview with Telemundo two weeks ago.
"Our internal polling shows that over 70% of our supporters are upset with Mr. Dobbs's comments on Telemundo is support of legalizing illegal aliens. ALIPAC opposes any path to citizenship form of Amnesty for illegal aliens currently in the US," said William Gheen of ALIPAC. "Therefore we are dropping our support for Lou Dobbs and suspending the fan sites we have created."
That includes: Lou Dobbs for President.org, a website previously used to pull funding for Dobbs' Presidential ambitions, which now sports the same shaming press release featured on the ALIPAC site; and the Draft Lou Dobbs for President or Senate Facebook page, where former fans can grieve the latest betrayal of regular hard-working Americans.
Congratulations Lou - ten minutes into your presidential campaign and you've already lost the only people who were going to vote for you. Way to go!
There's a great quote at the start of the third chapter of Going Rogue which Sarah Palin has attributed to 99-year-old basketball legend John Wooden: "Our land is everything to us... I will tell you one of the things we remember on our land. We remember our grandfathers paid for it - with their lives."
Just one problem. According to the Huffington Post:
... the quote wasn't by John Wooden. It was written by a Native American activist named John Wooden Legs in an essay entitled "Back on the War Ponies," which appeared in a left-wing anthology, We Are the People: Voices from the Other Side of American History, edited by Nathaniel May, Clint Willis, and James W. Loewen.
And we've just heard from Guinness that Going Rogue now holds the world record for "Least Accurate Book Ever Written."
And finally, will black Nazi Muslim socialist President Hitler stop at nothing to destroy the moral fabric of this great nation? Not according to Mayor Russell Wiseman of Arlington, Tennessee.
It seems that Mr. Wiseman was settling in to a relaxing night at home with his wife and children last Tuesday, when an event occurred that was so shocking I can barely bring myself to descibe it. Instead I'll quote the exact words that the mayor used on his Facebook page:
Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim (sic) president is there, what a load ... try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....(w)hen the answer should simply be 'yes'....
I agree, this is total crap! One minute you're sitting down to watch good ol' Charlie Brown and the next minute the motherfucking President of the United States is on teevee blabbing about Afghanistan. WTF? Charlie Brown is on you asspipe.
Okay, this is just getting creepy now.
I think that's enough Conservative Idiots for this decade. See you in 2010!
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