The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 386
November 1, 2010
Profitt Of Rage Edition
This week Tim Profitt (1) and Mike Pezzano (2) beat up a woman, Jean Schmidt frightens schoolchildren, and Alan Keyes (10) loses yet again. Don't forget the key!
Well, one of the nuttiest elections in living memory is finally going to be over with tomorrow, and to cap the whole thing off with a delicious cherry on top, here's what happened last week: A man called Tim Profitt, who until very recently was Rand Paul's campaign coordinator for Bourbon County, Kentucky, deliberately stepped on a woman's face.
Specifically, he stepped on the face of a lone female protester by the name of Lauren Valle, who was at that moment being held immobile and defenseless on the sidewalk by one of Rand Paul's campaign volunteers. It seems that Ms. Valle waved her protest sign a bit too close to Rand Paul's motorcade, which these days is apparently grounds for a violent vigilante beat-down by a rabid gang of teabaggers. I guess "law-and-order Republicans" died the same death as "fiscally responsible Republicans" and "family values Republicans" and "having any remaining shred of sanity Republicans."
So yeah, Profitt just walked up and stepped on her face. Well, technically he stepped on her shoulder first, then her face. And I'm not sure if there's any connection, but Valle was later admitted to hospital for a sprained shoulder and a concussion.
Profitt subsequently apologized, if you can call this an apology: "I'm sorry that it came to that, and I apologize if it appeared overly forceful, but I was concerned about Rand's safety." You know, I think I'm going to have to call that "not an apology."
Profitt then tried to claim that there were extenuating circumstances. According to Talking Points Memo, he said that "he used his foot to try and keep her down because he can't bend over because of back problems." Which is presumably why he didn't punch her in the kidneys after putting the boot in.
Finally, Profitt decided that somehow he was the real victim in all of this.
Tim Profitt, the Rand Paul supporter behind the white sneaker that notoriously stomped on a MoveOn activist's head in Kentucky, sought to play down the importance of the incident Tuesday, and went so far as to ask the victim for an apology.
"I don't think it's that big of a deal," Profitt told WKYT. "I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you."
So there it is folks, the headline that waves this election cycle off into the sunset: "Disabled conservative gentleman demands apology from angry liberal protester after she brutally attacks his foot with her face."
Adios, Election 2010. We'll miss you.
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots is now proud to present:
This week: Rand Paul campaign volunteer Mike Pezzano demonstrates how to take a chick down but good
Real conservative men like Mike Pezzano know that small liberal women can be at their deadliest when alone, unarmed, and cornered by a screaming mob. If you're ever faced with this dangerous situation, here's how to survive.
First, confuse your target by approaching unseen from the rear and shoving her off balance.
With luck she will now be petrified with fear. Use your substantial weight advantage to drag her backwards...
... and wrestle her to the ground. At this point you may cop a feel if the opportunity presents itself.
Immobilize her with the full force of your KFC Double Down-powered man-girth.
Finally have your buddy "step in" (get it) for the coup de grāce...
...a well-timed shoe to the face.
This has been GREAT MOMENTS IN WINGNUT CHIVALRY starring Mike Pezzano, ably assisted by Tim Profitt! Thank you and good night!
So what's Rand Paul's connection to face stomper Tim Profitt?
Give him a break -- he barely knew the guy!
But never mind that. Here's Paul's reaction to the incident -- during which, if I could just refresh your memories for a moment, one of his campaign volunteers pinned a woman to the ground while his campaign coordinator for Bourbon County stepped on her shoulder and head, giving her a sprained shoulder and a concussion.
...there was a bit of a crowd control problem. I don't want anybody though to be involved in things that aren't civil. I think this should always be about the issues. And it is an unusual situation to have so many people so passionate on both sides jockeying back and forth.
Ah yes, of course. Both sides were "jockeying back and forth." Well sure, if by that you mean both sides of Tim Profitt's shoe were jockeying back and forth across Lauren Valle's face.
Anyway, given Paul's response I doubt you will be surprised to learn that...
...on Wednesday Paul's campaign said that it won't return $1,950 in contributions from the man, Tim Profitt, who had been Paul's campaign coordinator in Bourbon County before the campaign said it was "disassociating" itself from him.
Paul's spokesman, Jesse Benton, said that the campaign had adequately dealt with the situation and that it would not return Profitt's contributions.
He said the campaign had removed Profitt as its coordinator in Bourbon County and that he is no longer welcome at campaign events.
Well whaddaya know. Rand Paul lost a Profitt and made a profit! <rimshot>
You know, when I wrote recently about a Republican party candidate for Congress named Rich Iott who enjoys parading around dressed up as a Nazi (see Idiots 383 and 384), I thought that was a pretty weird story. I mean, that just doesn't really happen in real life, does it? But at the same time, I was somehow not at all surprised that that just happened. A Republican candidate for Congress likes to dress as a Nazi. Okay. I can see that.
This, on the other hand, I did not see coming:
House Minority Leader John Boehner will campaign this weekend with Rich Iott, the Ohio Republican congressional candidate who found himself embroiled in controversy several weeks ago when photos surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi SS uniform.
The Iott campaign confirmed to the Huffington Post that the two will appear together at the Lucas County Republican Party headquarters.
Boehner, through it all, stood by his fellow Ohioan. The House Minority Leader declined to return the campaign funds he had sent to Iott. The campaign swing on Saturday is, however, a step towards an even fuller embrace of Iott's candidacy.
All I'm going to say is if I were writing a book called Blatantly Obvious Dumb Fucking Things To Avoid When Running A Political Campaign I think I would have to put "raising money for Nazi impersonators" near the top of page one.
When you're a foaming-at-the-mouth wingnut, is there ever a bad time to talk about abortion?
A Republican Congresswoman shocked teachers and students alike this month when she decided to talk about abortion to a classroom of 6-year-olds.
Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH) ventured into the age-inappropriate territory during a speech at a Cincinnati Catholic school, where she addressed a room of students ranging from first to eighth graders.
"Unexpectedly, towards the end of her address, Congresswoman Schmidt brought up the topic of abortion," Prinicipal Dan Teller wrote in a letter to parents, obtained by Cincinnati's WLWT.com. "Your children may come home with questions, especially if this is a topic that has not been broached in your home."
Noting that Schmidt "was not invited to further any political agenda," he apologized to parents "for any confusion or fear that this may elicit on the part of your child, and for the awkward position this may put you in of introducing a difficult issue at a time that may be premature for you."
Well there you have it folks. When you're a foaming-at-the-mouth wingnut, there is never a bad time to talk about abortion. Case closed.
Now, here's a story you don't see every day:
The Federal Aviation Administration confirmed Wednesday that it is looking into U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe's landing last week on a closed runway at a small Texas airport.
One of the eyewitnesses, Sidney Boyd, project manager for B-C Co. of Fort Worth, Texas, said the landing by Inhofe, R-Okla., on a runway clearly marked closed put workers in danger.
"I think it was a serious incident," Boyd said, predicting the FAA also will view the incident seriously.
"You shouldn't endanger people.''
Workers not only were close enough to feel the "backwash of the propeller,'' but one even was hit by debris, he said.
On Tuesday, he told the Washington Post, which reported on the incident, he landed his plane "well off to the side'' of the workers performing maintenance on the runway.
Of course Inhofe is blowing off the event, demonstrating some of that famous Republican personal responsibility by explaining that the only reason he got in trouble was because one of the airport officials "hates me, I don't know why."
Hmm, maybe it has something to do with landing on a closed runway at his airport and almost killing a bunch of workers.
Next week: Sen. Inhofe lands his plane on the I-44 just south of Tulsa, telling police that he had a hankering for some Chicken McNuggets and needed to gas up. "I landed well off to the side of all those cars," says the senator.
You know, if there's one vital question that hasn't been asked during this election season, I'd have to say it's this one: Will Acceptance Of Gays Destroy America?
And that's why we should all be grateful to KETK TV, a Texas NBC affiliate which last week "devoted a segment on its morning show Wednesday to ask viewers and listeners if acceptance of gays will bring the downfall of the country," according to Raw Story.
"The acceptance of homosexuality, pushed hard by the gay rights activists, will it be the fall of this country?" asked Garth Maier, host of KETK's morning radio program. The segment was broadcast on KETK's TV channel as well.
The channel's TV hosts introduced the segment with a reference to an Associated Press report Tuesday that President Obama has appointed a record number of openly gay individuals to posts in the administration -- more than 150 so far.
So, will acceptance of gays destroy America? Well, I just looked out of my window and surprisingly I did not see a plague of locusts or the moon crashing into the sun. Which brings me to...
Apparently Clint McCance of Arkansas is actually quite worried about this whole "Will Acceptance Of Gays Destroy America?" thing. Which is why he has apparently made it his mission to be as unaccepting of gays as possible.
To recap for a moment: a number of gay teens have committed suicide in recent weeks, and there has been a lot of increased attention on bullying in schools and online, and particularly on homophobic bullying. October 20 was designated Spirit Day, during which people were encouraged to wear purple as a way to show their solidarity with the gay community.
Now, as a member of the Midland School Board, you might think Clint McCance would have an interest in the health and well-being of young people. Of course, you would be completely wrong.
McCance began by announcing last week on his Facebook page that, "Seriously they want me to wear purple because five queers killed themselves." And it only got worse from there.
The only way im wearin it for them is if they all commit suicide. I cant believe the people of this world have gotten this stupid. We are honoring the fact that they sinned and killed thereselves because of their sin. REALLY PEOPLE.
Did I mention that this guy was a member of the Midland School Board? (Or at least he was, until he quit last week.)
...being a fag doesn't give you the right to ruin the rest of our lives. If you get easily offended by being called a fag then dont tell anyone you are a fag. Keep that shit to yourself. I dont care how people decide to live their lives. They dont bother me if they keep it to thereselves. It pisses me off though that we make a special purple fag day for them. I like that fags cant procreate. I also enjoy the fact that they often give each other aids and die. If you arent against it, you might as well be for it.
I would disown my kids they were gay. They will not be welcome at my home or in my vicinity. I will absolutely run them off. Of course my kids will know better. My kids will have solid christian beliefs. See it infects everyone.
But you can't really blame Mr. McCance for feeling this way. After all if he hadn't posted these disgusting rants on Facebook, America might have been destroyed by now.
You may never have heard of Kris Kobach, but I'm sure you're familiar with the infamous Arizona immigration law that he helped to write -- you know, the one that lets cops racially profile Hispanics and then arrest them if they aren't carrying the correct identification papers. God bless America.
It so happens that Mr. Kobach is running for secretary of state in Kansas, and is doing so "almost entirely on a platform of preventing voter fraud," according to Talking Points Memo. "Voter fraud is a very real problem in Kansas," says Kobach on his website. "Election crimes have been documented across the state -- from fraudulent registrations, to vote-by-mail fraud. As the activities of ACORN have demonstrated, organizations that promote voter fraud have burrowed into every corner of our country." Curse you, ACORN! How dare you go out there and register thousands of fraudulent voters, er, I mean, poor people.
Anyway, Kobach is so steamed about voter fraud that he actually started busting out examples last week.
"That is almost 2,000 voters who are on our rolls, or 2,000 identities, who are on our rolls who are actually deceased individuals," Kobach said.
He later added, "We have done some of our own research and it is amazing what you find."
He then highlighted Brewer's case, noting that Social Security said he was born in 1904, but he was listed on the voter registration roll as being born in 1900.
"An Alfred K. Brewer voted in the 2010 primary election," Kobach said. "Is it the same one? We are still trying to achieve confirmation of this but it certainly seems like a very real possibility."
Of course, this all comes as news to Alfred K. Brewer, who is alive and well and living in Wichita.
Brewer, who lives in Wichita, said he has been an active voter since he could vote. He first registered to vote in Kansas in 1964. He said he plans to cast a ballot Tuesday.
Brewer said his father, who had the same name and, according to Social Security records, was born in 1904, died in 1996.
"I'm just as surprised as you are," he said of the mix-up.
So there you have it. Of the thousands of dead voters that Kobach called a press conference to rant about, the only one he could name is a guy who isn't even dead.
It's a good thing Kobach isn't running for anything that demands absolute honesty, accuracy, and strict attention to detail when determining the proper conduct of elections, like say secretary of state or something.
And finally, what kind of election cycle would it be if Alan Keyes didn't make at least one appearance on this list? Well thankfully Alan must have realized that he'd been MIA for too long, and managed to set matters right last week. According to Daily Kos:
A state appellate court in Sacramento tossed out a lawsuit claiming President Barack Obama is not eligible to occupy the White House because he is not a natural-born citizen of the United States. The court ordered the plaintiffs to pay all court costs of the defendants.
Oh Alan, say it ain't so. You've been working on this so hard for the past two years, and now a judge has told you to go jump off a cliff -- oh, but don't forget to write a large check to the defendants before you do.
So one more time, remind us of your compelling arguments for removing President Obama from office...
In his complaint, he claimed there is persuasive evidence Obama was born in what is now Kenya, which was then (1961) the British East African Protectorate of Zanzibar. He further claimed that President Obama would have automatically been a British citizen, based on his father's citizenship, and ineligible for office.
Yeah, see this is your problem. You're a fucking idiot.
And now, two quick notes...
First, as I mentioned at the start of Idiots 380, this is the last edition before the election mid-term elections and therefore the last edition before I go back on hiatus. But this is not the end -- rest assured, the Top 10 will return in the future.
Second, since I'm not going to be back for a bit I thought I'd leave you with something to tide you over, if only for a little while. While I do take submissions and suggestions for Idiots each week, I discover the vast majority of stories by simply browsing DU each day and bookmarking posts that I think look interesting. So I thought this week I'd make page one of my bookmarks available to everyone -- just click here to see it. And if you know people who are still looking for reasons to vote on Tuesday, feel free to send the link to them and say, "Hey, if this avalanche of shit is what conservatives did over the past two weeks, imagine what they're going to do over the next two years."
See you... when I see you!
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