Mel Brooks Destroyed America

Oh, so you had a ball when you went to NYC and saw "The Producers" on Broadway and sang "Heil Myself" for days. Or you're a Boomer and remember how you got high before seeing "Blazing Saddles" and it was the best day in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brooks is a comedic genius. I'll give you that. And I could probably watch "High Anxiety" on a loop for three days straight and never get bored. But Mel Brooks still destroyed America.

If you've never seen either version of "The Producers," I warn you that spoilers are ahead. (On the other hand, if you've never seen either version, what the hell is wrong with you?) Anyway, for those who've seen "The Producers," we know that Bialystock and Bloom scheme to get rich by bilking oodles of old women out of their savings and offering them a major percentage of ownership in the producers' next Broadway show. But how do you pay out 5,000% (or whatever it was) of the show's profit when there can only be 100% profit? You don't.

Bialystock and Bloom decided they wouldn't pay out. They'd keep all the investment cash less operating expenses and when the show flopped, they'd write it off as a loss. Investors don't expect to make money on a loss. But the producers did!

All of the evil people who destroyed America must have seen one or both versions of Brooks' "The Producers." Their plan was to create a flop (they did) and run away with the money (they did). And we're all those little old ladies, who don't even get a quickie from Bialystock as a courtesy. We get nada, zilch, nuttin' honey.

The 1968 version of "The Producers" had Bialystock and Bloom get caught and end in prison. Who do you think will end up our prisons after the last cent is squeezed from the Treasury? Not the thieves. Probably us for vagrancy and stealing bread. And when global warming has sucked up all the water and eroded our soil and we can't feed ourselves, what then? We'll collapse under the stars and before a tornado blows us away or a mudslide buries us, we'll wave to the heavens, to the many spacestations where the privileged will be living, and wish no one had ever seen "The Produers." Either version. (I wonder if Mel Brooks will be up there, too.)

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Okay, okay, so the bad guys have been raiding the treasuries of countries since the beginning of time and everyone hopes that a Robin Hood will save them. It's not Brook's fault. Oh, wait. He did that movie, too -- "Robin Hood: Men in Tights."

See???? It's all Brooks' fault!!!!

The least he could do for us is write "The Deciders." He'd only have to change a few things around from "The Producers." "Springtime for Hitler" could be "Springtime for Phil Gramm." Stuff like that. Hmm, but we won't be able to afford to see it. Well, I'm sure there are still a few affluent old ladies around to be had.