"I went to sleep, and when I woke up people were mad at Obama. And I thought, 'Did I miss something? Did Obama start an illegal war? Did he fly over a flood zone and just wave? Did he torture detainees in a secret prison? Did he start illegally tapping phones? Did he alienate the world and squander a surplus? Because if he did any of that, we need to impeach that jackass.' ...

I can’t believe people are blaming Obama for the mess Bush left. I mean, Bush just pees all over everything and leaves it soaking wet, and people are looking at Obama like he just zipped up his fly. That's Bush pee!
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"Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, made a triple-X movie of herself. So now we know why she was stripped of her title---not for being anti-gay, but for being pro-stupid. She actually thought it wouldn’t get out? C'mon! It always gets out. That's the first 'Law of Pornodynamics': A pair of fake boobs in motion stays in motion."
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"I hereby appoint myself the president's Tell-People-Where-to-Go-and-What-to-Kiss Czar. Fox News, if you want an exclusive: pucker up!"